Running the Race

We all are runners in a race.  It's called life.  Some get a nice easy path.  The rest of us get hurdles and pits.  But soon you learn to jump the hurdles and stay clear of the pits.

Cary and I have successfully cleared several hurdles and pits this past week.  She does not have Hepatitis B or C.  Bio mom has C.  Cary's body stays protected from it and I am glad.  We also had a good endocrine report.  Cary is now 18 pounds and 4 ounces of pudgy.  She is also gaining height.  If her thyroid and sodium levels come back balanced we are in the clear for six months.

This means that her brain is starting to do something remarkable.  It is healing and remolding.  For a Montessori teacher, this is all in a day's work.  For the medical profession it is astonishing.  I was told that they didn't expect her to make it this far.  I said, "You haven't seen anything yet."

My PT told me that what I want is what Cary wants.  I need to impose my will on her.  So you'd better believe that I am imposing it with all my strength.  I want Cary to sit, crawl, walk, and talk.  I won't take no for an answer!  I have stopped believing the worst and focus on the child I see her becoming.

Don't get me wrong.  We do have pits and hurdles ahead.  In a week we go see the GI doctor.  It is just a check up, but I always have a bit of nerves about what may happen.  In two weeks we go to court.  Yes court.

I have to do something.  I have to look into the eye's of Cary's biological parents and watch them surrender their rights.  I have long ago forgiven Marvin's bio family.  I am still working on Cary's.  What they did was horrific.  How can you not care?  How can you look at this child and not love her?  How can you choose drugs?  How can you rot in jail?  How do you sleep with yourself?  I can't claim sainthood, but I just don't get it.  Cary's social worker anticipates that the parents are going to sign over rights without a quibble.  I hope so.  But we are required to be there and we will be.  I want to see them.  It is like some sick fascination.  I hope seeing them will be a cleansing process and I can move on.

So I continue to run.  The goal is far away and I may still trip or fall in pits, but I will brush myself off and move forward.  I will win.