Now and Then

We reached a milestone recently.  Sitting in Cary's social worker's office we signed papers to put into motion an adoption petition.  Six months have passed.  I talked about how different our daughter looks now.  See for yourself.

This is our first meeting of our little peanut.  See how tiny and bald she is:).

Wow!  Here she is now.  Note the hair:)

What a difference.  But she is not the only one who has changed.  I have changed.  Often I don't recognize who I was before.

Lots of things changed me.  The first was pre-Cary.  I had a difference of opinion on how a new program was to happen.  I spoke about my concerns.  I begged people to hear me out.  Instead I was rudely told that I needed to follow leadership and if I didn't like it just leave and whatever you do don't make waves.  Leadership knows best.  Let's just say I was shocked.  Hurt, betrayed.  This was a place I took Marvin.  A family place.  All I wanted was to be heard.  So we left.  But I do owe them something.  They woke up a part of me.  A sleeping part.  I like everyone to get along, hold hands, and sing.  I HATE CONFRONTATION.  But I also realized that people who don't ask questions, research, and follow blindly are never going to grow.  So I am very thankful.  They helped me more than they realize.  They helped me be a better mom to my children and a stronger advocate for them.

Other changes have occurred as well.  I don't think twice about having a zillion doctor's appointments a week.  It used to drag me down.  But now I just pack a snack, tea, and water (oh and Cary, too!) and we head out.  The people at VCU know us.  At Au Bon Pan (French for very expensive and tasty) they ask how Marvin is while I pay for coffee.  At Einstein's they know what I order and they love Cary.  I also have to stop at the gift shop to say hi to a worker when she is there so she can pinch Cary's cheeks and tickle her nose.  These are my realities and I find myself enjoying them.  Finding the humor in them.  Taking time to find the good instead of dwelling on another visit.

I also find that I have to speak up.  Loudly.  I am not afraid to argue with doctors.  I do research, ask questions, do more research and ask more questions.  I used to worry that I would upset them and go meekly along.  Let me tell you, meek gets you jack squat.  The doctor's like me, respect me, and at the heart of it we all want what is best for Cary.  I am stronger than I knew I could be, smarter than I knew I could be, and really loud (but I already knew that:) ).

The last thing I noticed was today.  You see right now I should be in church.  But Cary started acting funny.  By that I mean crying and pulling her ear and saying ow while being generally inconsolable.  It could be her ear infection has returned.  My original plan was to have Shannon rock her while I ran my Sunday school class.  A nice person offered to stay so I could get Cary home and throw some ibuprofen in her.  The old Amy would have been in a flap over all this.  The new Amy felt guilty for five seconds over leaving her class and ran home.  I go with the flow more easily now.  I don't let these things ruin my life.  I went home, threw some ibuprofen in her and since I will probably be at the doctor's tomorrow again put some laundry in the wash and did my blogging in case I don't get to it tomorrow.  Cary is sleeping and wants to be left alone.  I get that.

So I have grown and changed.  It is taking me a while to get used to the new Amy.  I miss the old me on occasion, but the new me is stronger, smarter, and so much more capable than the old me that I think I am better off this way.  Happier and a stronger advocate for my family and their needs.