I don't know how many people do Facebook, but all through November there was a kind of game. People posted what they were thankful for. I was a little (OK a lot) obnoxious and would post silly stuff like how I was thankful that my family knew how to hang the TP. I did post some serious stuff because I am grateful. Always. Well most of the time:). Lets be real here. But something happened. November ended.
With that the some of the people who wrote the longest posts of gratitude were mysteriously replaced by pod people. Nothing made them happy and everything made them miserable. It was almost like a contest to see who could be the most unhappy and dissatisfied with their lives. I thought they may have needed to blow some steam, but it is like Debbie Downer came to town. I felt the uncontrollable urge to tell them to get off the cross because someone else needed the wood.
A couple of months ago I noticed things were really bumpy here. Hubby and I were fighting more, Marvin was having all sorts of problems at school and at home. Cary Lynn was not her normal happy self. She was crabby and irritable. Things were not going well. At all. It turns out it was my fault. Well some of it.
We had had a really hard time. My husband was in a bad car accident. Cary Lynn had more health problems. Marvin was just loosing it. One of pets was purposefully killed. I was not getting the Norman Rockwell life I signed up for. Things were headed downhill with no breaks. So all I could do was be unhappy. I could put on a good face, but I was just miserable. And it showed. In everything I did.
A few weeks ago my daughter was in the hospital. Again. I was really drowning. Then they came. The family next door. The nurses who were so cheerful with me and Cary never smiled. One came in my room from next door wiping tears from her eyes. I went to the lounge to my drink from the fridge. The child's grandpa sat in there with his shoulders shaking. The pain was living and almost unbearable. It was all I could do to walk out of that room. I put the tissue box next to him and met his eyes. I said nothing and left. Counselors, doctors, and nurses surrounded that family. The little one lay still and grey. I knew then that that little one wasn't coming home.
I sat in my room. And thought. And thought. There is something in the world. It comes to claim your joy. It comes to rob you of peace, happiness, and joy. It is evil. It exists and wants to take you. I looked in the mirror and didn't like who I saw. I was being destroyed by this evil. Bit by bit. And worse yet, I was taking my family with me.
I would love to say this is when heaven opened up and the angles sang. That I went home and everything was magically better. The children are saints, I have my halo and crowns of glory, and my husband is now perfect. Ahem. Not quite. But I have learned a few things.
Attitude makes a HUGE impact. I am not saying that you should never be sad or angry. Nor will I come beat you over the head with a rainbow of joy. Life isn't easy at times. It's not for the faint of heart. Its stinking hard work. But when I sit and mope and whine about it all the time what message am I sending? What am I showing my children? I want to raise strong resilient children. Ones who life may knock down but who will have the strength to get up and stand again. They watch me. All the time. Heavens, I'm lucky if I can go to the bathroom around here by myself. So when life pushes at me I push right back.
So what if you can't push back? What if it is too hard? I hear you. But if you can't stand alone find someone to stand with you. Alone we are weak and vulnerable. Together we are strong. Don't let evil overcome the good in you. Don't bottle it up either. Find someone, anyone. If you don't like people talk to your pet. The best conversations I have had are with my rabbits. They don't judge. They eat your furniture, but they are great listeners. You don't like pets, find a rock, tree, anything. Anne Frank wrote in a diary she name Kitty. There is always something. Mourn, rage, but then release. Realize that people stand with you, support you, and care.
I can't change the world around me. I can't stop the bad things. But I CAN and WILL control how I respond. I will reclaim a peaceful home. I WILL teach my children strength. I will also teach them that sometimes I fall on my face, but I get back up again. This is a legacy that I will leave them. Resilience, strength, and most of all hope. I won't always be successful, but I'm not perfect. But I will take a stand against evil. I won't let myself be robbed. It's not fun to feel that way and it drags everyone down and color the world grey and hopeless. I will stand with the help of friends, family, and my rabbits:). I am not trying to be Pollyanna. But I do want to have peace of heart and mind. I am taking my stand.
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