Ups and downs

Sometimes I can't help feeling a little blue about things.  It just happens.  I'm human after all.  

Today I was in Cary Lynn's room organizing her multiple medical supplies.  I was counting feeding bags, trying to figure out what I did with some wraps to help with skin growth around her g-site, cleaning up her feeding pole and thinking that if her medical scissors wandered off one more time I was gonna have a bird.  

It hit me.  When did this become my normal?  When did I get so used to these things?  When did the novel become commonplace?  Most parents are busy picking up dolls and blocks.  I place medical bags that feed my daughter through a hole in her stomach in a pretty bin.  

It hit me hard.  Like a punch in the gut.  I had to sit down for a little while and take it in.  Have a little cry.  

It just isn't fair.  It isn't fair what happened to my child.  She should be going to ballet classes, telling me NO in a loud little voice, shoving crayons up her nose, and doing all the stuff that used to drive me crazy with Marvin.  Funny how much I would kill to see that behavior now.  How much I took it for granted. 

But life is rarely "fair".  If it was I would be 5'8", blond, and a size two on a "bad day".  But that's not the way it works.  I'm 5'2", a brunette (alright, I went gray in my 20s and have been coloring it, but I did used to be a brunette, I swear!!),  and have a love affair with baked goods so the only 2 in my house is my daughter. I may have to have a talk with the gene fairy about this when I'm done with this post!  

Even though there are intense moments like today there is so much that I find to be grateful for.  Thanks to that awful hole in her stomach Cary Lynn has gone from 19 pounds and failure to thrive to 23 pounds and making it on the growth chart.  Her legs are getting stronger and have more range of motion.  She continues to do a bit more every day.  

I can't have fair so I will take what I can have.  A very happy little girl who continues to surprise and amaze me.  And come to think of it, I don't really miss having things shoved up noses.  Not one bit at all:).