The 411 on what's happening

It has been a busy couple of weeks here as we prepare for our new addition to our family.  Life just picks up and is going at hyper speed.  So I am taking this post to answer some FAQs that Shannon and I have had. 

How did this happen?  I thought you said there were no babies and you were getting an older child. 

That is generally true.  There usually are no babies and toddlers.  Most infants and young toddlers are adopted through private agencies.  Children like Marvin and Harmani are once in a blue moon.  When a young child comes into the system they usually have special needs.  That is the case with both Marvin and Harmani. 

What's wrong with the baby? 

This is a tricky question.  Well not that tricky.  She was a preemie born at 28 weeks and was not eating.  She was being fed through a nasal tube.  Now she is taking a bottle and loves her feeding time.  She has some vision issues and may require glasses.  She requires some PT.  But she is making strides.  When we adopted Marvin he was done with all these things and requires maintenance.  With Harmani we will be coming in at the beginning instead of the end. 

How will you work and take care of the baby? 

Well that was the hard part.  When we were first told about the baby I started making plans for her care and looking into daycares that specialized in preemies and their needs.  Then I found out that there were a lot more things that needed to be done.  I wanted it all and started to realize that I couldn't have it all.  It was crushing.  I cried lots and lots and lots.  Shannon and I ran scenarios and looked at all options.  So after much thought, praying, and agony we decided that I would stay home.  It was a hard choice.  I love my job, my co-workers, and my boss.  They get me.  And they like me in spite of all the nutso things I do.  I love the children.  They bring me joy.  Plus I love to teach.  So after a lot of Kleenex and support I am starting to get cautiously excited about my new role. 

When are you bringing the baby home? 

The baby's social worker is on vacation this week but she is looking to expedite it and we are pushing through another mountain of paperwork.  Ms. J is looking for it to happen soon.  She said mid-August, but knowing how much of a roller coaster ride this has been I wouldn't be surprised if she wants to place next week.  But we are looking at a soft date of the 14th or 15th.   

When is the adoption finalized? 

Here again is a tricky question.  This is a legal risk adoption.  The parental rights have not been terminated.  We are going into this process labeled as a "foster parent with intent to adopt".  What that means is that even though we are the chosen ones at this point a bio family member may come out of the woodwork and want to adopt Harmani.  We don't anticipate this happening, but we are still taking a big risk.  But no pain, no gain.  And she is worth the risk. 

How do you say her name? 

Well, you change it so you can say it.  Haha.  We are changing it.  Her name is Cary Lynn.  Cary after my sister and Lynn is my middle name.  We have to retain her original name until the adoption is finalized and by then I hope to learn how to pronounce it.  I have heard her worker pronounce it several different ways so I am hoping to clear it up. 

Do you have a picture? 

Yes I do.  Mind you it is the same one as I posted on Facebook but still so dog gone cute!

Feel free to say Awwww.  We have a picture on the fridge and Marvin kisses it every day.  It is super cute. 

So what happens to Marvin? 

Well we decided to keep him as well.  Hahaha.  I know I know.  Well that was tough as well.  Not only was I stepping down but we had to make a choice for Marvin as well.  He will be going to a school up here.  Not my favorite choice but I have reserved the right to home school if things start going south.  People keep telling me he will be fine, but I have strong reservations about it.  He is going through some transitional upsets right now and wetting himself.  This is normal and I we are spending lots of time with him talking things out and encouraging him to express himself.  He and I are role playing about the new baby.  He is relieved to know that she doesn't want his tractors right now and that he doesn't have to share doggie (his lovie). 

That is where we are.  I am feeling more positive about things and my sense of peace is coming back.  Reading my last few posts I realize I was pretty negative.  I hate when I am not in control and that makes me really crabby.  But as I said, things are a little more smooth now and though I realize with DSS I will never be fully in control I am coming to understand the lay of the land and feel that I can adapt to the needs of those around me.  We had to make some pretty hard choices and I was pretty upset and scared.  But now that we have made them and we are marching forward I wonder what I was so upset and afraid.  I look on the face of my son and new daughter and I am ready to embrace the future.  No matter what comes.  

Social worker visit, round two

It was a crazy last few days.  I scrubbed, organized, cleaned, baked, and cleaned some more.  All in the name of the social worker home visit. 

I was a wreck this morning.  I was nervous, irritable, and well, just a mess in general.  I kind of felt like I was the only one on a sinking ship.  So to calm down I did some serious baking and last minute prep.  The worker, Ms. J. was supposed to show up at 11.  So imagine my surprise when the doorbell rings at 9:30.  Holy cow!  I just had put Marvin down in front of the TV with so I could clean up my mess.  So quick thinker that I am I shove it all in the dishwasher and slam it shut and pray that she doesn't ask to look inside.  I turn off the TV and tell Marvin that he has to finish his show later.  He was so not happy about that. 

Then I said another quick prayer, opened the door and let Ms. J in.  She was in a really good mood and loved her drive out here.  I showed her around and she really liked the house.  She loved my cookie monster blue kitchen as well.  She also really liked Marvin who totally took her over and demanded that she play with him, gave her a puppet show, showed her his handstands, and drew her a picture.  Thank heavens she likes kids. 

In between all of this I did have a chance to talk shop with her.  Believe it or not.  She is looking to place the baby in August and drumroll, I think she likes us!!!! Yay!!!!!!!   We are hoping to get "official" news by the end of this week.  Yay again!!!!!!!

But this is still a legal risk adoption and there is always the turn and shift of life.  I am hoping and praying for the news we are waiting for and so ready to get a nursery up and rocking!!  Things are finally starting to fall into place and I am so ready for it!! 

The social worker's coming!

Boy,  I should have social workers visit more often.  Just kidding, kind of.  I got up early and managed to organize a couple of closets, straighten the living room and clean it and now I am taking a much needed break before I clean and organize our bookcases in our room.  A bit obsessive you think?  Well, with social workers one never knows.  They could glance over your house with not much of a howdy do or they could open all your closets and drawers.  I have a feeling this worker is on of the latter.  So better to be safe than sorry. 

It has taken time to get to this point.  Lots of time.  I had already (and somewhat foolishly hoped) that we would be so much further along.  The worker had promised that she would know something two weeks ago.  So she still knows nothing.  Which is incredibly frustrating. 

But she did call and ask to come out to our home.  She called wanting an appointment last week while I was teaching camp.  It was a rather difficult camp so I would have happily skipped out on it, but figured that would not thrill my boss very much.  So being the good worker bee that I am I managed to get her to come out this week while I am between camps. 

I will also be flying solo this visit.  When I contacted our social worker she told me that she felt her presence was "unnecessary" and "that we would do just fine, baby proof the house and make it look handicap friendly".  Wait?  Say what???  You are like totally throwing me to the wolves here. Our old agency at least showed up for stuff.  Plus Shannon has to work and can't take time off for this.  So I am feeling slightly panicky.  But my mom insists that I can handle these kind of people so I am just going to do it.  I am a little tired of her dragging things out on us so I am pretty sure I will be fine once she gets here.  Thanks heavens Marvin will be around.  I am hoping he charms the socks off of her.  He is pretty personable and chatty so I think we will be O.K. 

We have been looking into stuff as well.  For those of you who are burning with curiosity I will say that Harmani was born very premature so most of her issues relate to that.  Her parents are addicted to heroin and show no ability or willingness to get clean.  She is also a fighter, like Marvin.  The only thing is that Marvin got PT, OT, and feeding lessons BEFORE we got him.  He was done with the hard work by 18 months.  We still do "maintenance" with him and as he ages his needs change.  We go with the flow. 

Harmani's needs are different.  She has just started these things.  She is learning how to eat, but is a very slow eater.  She needs OT and PT to work those muscles.  But her future progress is forecasted to be good.  They were also worried about her vision.  She went to the same eye doctor that Marvin goes to and they believe that she is tracking.  They say the same things, she is very little and her body needs to grow and develop.  So we would be walking right into the middle of it verses getting the finished product. 

My life is about to change.  It will become appointments, therapies, learning to become an expert on a new round of stuff.  I was hesitant to make a change because I had a good thing going and was in a pretty good place in my life.  But now that the change is coming and we have made new choices I am really excited to see what the future will unfold.  Everything has a purpose, and a season.  It is time for me to enter into this new season with joy and thanksgiving.  It won't always be rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine, but I will take it in stride and embrace the coming changes.  I refuse to live in the past and dwell on the choices I have made.  I will not live a life of regrets.  I will live a life that honors the choices I have made and the hope of an amazing future for myself and the child that I have and the children I have yet to fill our hearts and home with. 

Aftershock

So after a really bumpy bit of emotional turbulence I am thankful to say that we are settling down.  I will have to say I am a bit bruised and battered, but after the worst of the storm had passed and we picked ourselves up and dusted off, I realized that I was still standing.  A little battered, but still standing. 

We are marching forward in our adoption.  A little girl is waiting for a family and we are waiting for a little girl.  The social worker however, is making sure that this is a long long long process.  She was supposed to have stuff done last week, but you know how that goes.  She now wants to contact all of our old adoption references.  She is going to talk to Marvin's social worker and our old agency, Lutheran Family Services.  I told her that was fine, we have nothing to hide.  I can't help but wonder if she will next want all my old teachers or any other ridiculous trifles.  Sigh.  The things I do.  Now I know that they only want the best, but really?  They have so much on their plates already and they just make more work for themselves.  We are not that crazy and I would like to think that Marvin is turning out somewhat O.K. despite my many mistakes=). 

But I will have to say that I have felt God's peace throughout this week so I have a strong feeling that things are going to be O.K.  Thanks for the prayers, we have needed them.  I will have to say that I have spent lots of time talking to God and petitioning Him.  Good thing He is patient.  And faithful.  He and I have had talks about the fulfilling of His promise.  I have claimed the verse "He has settled the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children."  Note children.  I am walking in faith that I will have many children.  It is just a matter of time. 

But I still hate transitions.  And change is not easy.  It will also impact Marvin.  He will have lots of changes to make.  One of them may be our church.  Our format is changing and they are possibly eliminating my Sunday School class.  So I spent a good week being very upset about it and whining like a very spoiled brat.  Then I got that out of my system, felt really embarrassed for my bad behavior.  Just because others around me make poor choices doesn't mean I have to follow.  So I prayed to be released from my teaching duties.  Guess what?  I'm not only not released, more is going to be expected.  Oh brother.  I should know better by now you'd think.  But God does not want me to do a once a month stint as was suggested.  He is asking Shannon and I to step out and follow.  Control freak that I am it is rather hard, but I am willing.  We are going to start moonlighting at other churches to see where God wants us to go.  Tomorrow we will begin our journey.  We need to raise Marvin in a solid church where he is allowed to attend Sunday School and go to church.  God revealed to me that there was a major disconnect between the children and the church.  It was kind of scary.  So we need to be where Marvin can plug in. 

So we march on in faith and hopes that we will make good choices in the weeks that follow.  We have lots to accomplish and very little time to do it all in.  But God is faithful and I believe that we are at least on the right path.  It is scary, but sometimes stepping out in faith is.  I am keeping my eyes on the finish line and it feels like it is finally in sight!

Transition Traumas

Yes, I am proud to admit it, I am a creature of habit.  Every day I get up at the same time, even on weekends, have about the same thing for breakfast in the same order, shower from left to right (alright, probably too much info, but you get the idea), and go on to work either at my job or my weekend tasks.  I leave at the same time, drive the same way, and always always listen to the same thing on the radio (AFR if you are interested). 

But lately, things have been really off.  I went to Colorado for a family vacation so of course getting up at 3:30 am (5:30 our time) is kind of silly, I couldn't eat the same things for breakfast, and my days were not nicely organized.  There was a lot of time to goof off and get really out of sync.  I loved my visit and seeing my family, but when I am out of kilter things don't go well. 

We have had more news on the baby.  Harmoni.  I thought it was pronounced Harmony but it is more like har-MAN-ee.  Sort of like harmonica.  Anyway, I digress.  We had to make some choices about her.  We are hoping to bring her home soon, but that is a little ways off.  She is another post=).  Her own post.  Having a baby means transitions.  And choices.  Big choices.  Life changing choices.  Habit changing choices.

As a  creature of habit it is hard to change.  Letting old dreams die to bring about new ones.  I am like the little kid scared to swim in the pool.  I dip my toe in over and over and come out shaking.  I have spent last week hoping that I could keep both dreams, but Shannon and I had to choose what dream we would follow.  After much talking, praying, seeking counsel from trusted people, we made a choice.  The death of an old dream for the birth of a new one. 

It seems like I am talking in riddles, doesn't it?  I hope to clear it up later on in the week.  For now I am still hurting too much and just needed a good place to vent.  As I have always said this is much cheaper than therapy!! 

On a side note does anyone have any good church recommendations?  It is a looong story, but let's just say that the devil goes to church too.  Another transition that has left me feeling slightly bomb shelled. 

I cling to hope and my faith that despite the winds of change that I will emerge stronger and able to handle all the transitions that life sees fit to throw at me! 

Maybe baby?

So here we are in the soap operatic drama "As the Adoption Unfolds". 

It does feel sort of like a soap opera performance.   One minute everyone is happy and the next minute someone is being eaten by the loch ness monster.   Never a dull moment! 

So we continue to press forward in our looking.  The social worker of the baby did get in touch with our social worker and wants to meet us.  I don't know if we are the only family being considered yet or not.  True to the system she is being rather slow with information. 

Here is what I know factually so far that I am allowed to share.  It is a girl.  She is seven months old.  No one in her extended family wants her and she is considered a legal risk adoption placement because the parents who will never win mommy and daddy of the year awards are druggies.  They don't want to change.   The little girl has a few medical needs and every day makes strides in positive directions.  She is thriving.  That is all we know right now.  Until we sit down with her worker next week we won't know much more.  We don't even know her name.  So we will wait and see on this. 

I am really hoping this one pans out.  For a few reasons.  First of all it is a girl!!  I know they are hair and drama but after watching my son and husband have burping contests I think a little shot of estrogen around here would be good.  Second, it will be easier for Marvin to adjust to a younger sibling than an older one.  He can show her things (not burping) and he is very nurturing with younger children.  This does not mean he wouldn't be able to handle an older sibling.  This is just the natural order of life.   Third, it is a lot easier to get them younger.  I am not ruling out an older child and if this does not come to fruition I intend to go back to looking at my other choices.  I reserve that right. 

This has been your update and our most recent episode.  Tune in next week to see where we are in the unfolding drama of life and adoption! 

Ooops

Well the verdict is in.  Even I can get a little ahead of the adoption game.  So I'm not perfect=). 

It started out simply enough.  I put my name in the hat for a slew of children.  Some were no goes from the start.  Some we weeded through.  But now our social worker has kindly asked us to slow down just a bit=).  Well, maybe not so kindly.  But she does have a valid point.  Somewhat. 

The process is slow and agonizing.  You put your name in, send a home study, wait and wait and wait and wait.  No one is in a rush to get these kids any place.  So they rot in the system and families get discouraged. 

Right now we are waiting.  What a surprise.  Our worker put our name in the hat for a seven month old baby girl.  Yes.  A baby.  But we don't have any information on the child's disabilities, needs, and so forth.  Not to mention if it is a baby there are going to be at least 200 other home studies for the baby.  We are also continuing to wait on a 9 year old girl in Colorado, a sibling group of boys in northern VA, and a local 7 year old boy.  So we have many irons in the fire.  Plus I have heard from another worker with a 2 year old boy.  Busy busy busy.  My social worker is putting everyone else on the back burner and fighting hard for the baby girl for us.  I am inclined to think that this is a rather unrealistic expectation, but I still believe in miracles.  

So we continue the unending cycle and pray for patience and endurance in a race that is starting to wear us out a bit emotionally, mentally, and even a bit physically.  I am keeping my eyes out for the finish line which I know is out there somewhere.  I will continue to run the race and play the game the only way I know how.  With grit, stubbornness, and determination to bring our child home.