-What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but no deeds? Can such a faith save him? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? James 2:14-16
I don't care what you believe, those are words to live by or think about. And I have been. Thinking about them. I am not a great person in a crisis. A building could be falling over, bombs droppings, and people bleeding and I still wouldn't know what to do. I am a person who needs directions at all times. Not a real leadership quality, more sheep like frankly, but it is who I am.
But recently I find myself trying harder. I am holding doors open for people with full hands, giving out quarters for the vending machine, just smiling a little more at someone who looks like they need it(believe me if they are here and not a nurse, they need it).
I also am trying to help out nursing interns through Cary's daily routines. We are a teaching hospital and Cary is a unique case so the more they learn from her the more they learn how to help her. Yes, we are still at the hospital. It looks like it will be awhile before we go home. Everyday is a new test. Tomorrow we are looking at an x-ray to see how her bottle latching skills are. Not a biggie but frustrating none the less. I want to be at home. Period. Her diabetes is getting under control but because the previous foster mom neglected to do so much we need education to help our daughter achieve her full potential. After talking to OT today, they are positive that she is going to come a long way, but frustrated that nothing has been done with her so far. It is like a bowl of potatoes on the counter. You can sit and stare at them all that you want, but they won't get mashed unless you do some work. They will just rot.
I am also not good about telling people what I need. I like to think I can just do it all, but I am getting exhausted trying. So I have figured out that I need help. And support. And prayer.
Don't get me wrong prayer and warm thoughts are great, but as James said sometimes a little practical backup is called for. So here are some of the needs we have right now in no particular order:
1. Company. As much as I love nurses, doctors, PT,OT, ABC-XYZ they cannot replace friends and family. If you are uncomfortable being in a hospital Shannon or I would meet you downstairs in the cafe or other non-threat areas. The only reason I am here is because of Cary, not for kicks and jollies. You can even phone and talk to me. Mind you, I get interrupted quite a bit because of nurses and such but I still like human voices.
2. Food. We need healthy food. Not Chick-Fil-A or carb crap. O.K. a little carb crap. You can just drop it off and run or stay and visit. It is really expensive having to buy all of our meals and the choices are not always that healthy. We have a tiny fridge here and one of us goes home at nights so the food would keep safe.
3. Stuff for the baby. Right now Cary is stuck to an IV and wires. They decrease daily, but she still is crib bound a lot. My good friend bought her a balloon and she has really enjoyed looking at it. Her room is bare and cold. They have broken and dirty toys here with no really good baby stuff. I have read her the same three board books over and over and over. She is not complaining, but I am. A mobile, balloons, a toy or two that flashes and lights up to help improve her focus. Soft thick blankets. They keep the room like a Popsicle and she is getting a skin rash from hard scratchy hospital sheets. CDs. Anything really. Just something to keep her entertained for how ever long they are going to imprison us here.
4. Movies. For us. Shannon or I sit up at nights and are here pretty much all day long. Cary does sleep. So a nice comedy would be good to watch on the laptop. Shannon has a thing about depressing movies so the happier the better.
I'm not posting this list to guilt people into doing things. Please don't feel that you must. People have been asking and as I said I have a hard time with the idea that I am not wonder woman. I am happy with the prayers and thinking of yous as well. I really appreciate them.
Thank you all for your love! We are still holding on to hope!
My Family
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Darkest before the dawn
So I had really planned on having this wonderful, heartwarming, mushy first post of family life at our home. I had planned on browbeating Shannon to get the picture function to work so everyone could oooh and ahh over our little miracle. I had planned to laminate a Canada unit for my work, bake for my parents visit in a week, review a book manuscript that a good friend intends on publishing soon, and do lots of other things.
Instead I have spent the past 4 days either at the doctor or in the VCU/MCV hospital in Richmond. I have gone up and down like a roller coaster, have seen how little sleep a human can function on, and the 20 pounds I have managed to drop are creeping back on thanks to a huge carb/comfort food binge.
But let me back up a bit. Cary came home on Tuesday. We all loved on her, fussed, cooed, and spoiled her rotten. Even Marvin. Good grief. I went to the bathroom one time and came out to find her surrounded by crayons, paper, tractors, and 3 race car piled on her. He was sharing. I couldn't fuss about that could I? Thank heavens she has crappy eye hand coordination. So she couldn't get it near her mouth, but not for lack of trying:).
By Wednesday her appetite had decreased slightly and I was worried that she was constipated. I talked to her social worker and we agreed that I should take her in to the doctor. On Thursday, still no poop and she threw up a little. Again, no big deal. Babies throw up right? But deep inside my head there was a little alarm bell starting to go off. So I took her into the doctor they gave her a suppository, it worked and I found out she had been on Mirlax for her constipation issues. Once again no biggie. I commented on her lack of color and appetite that afternoon but I was brushed off. So I took a breath and chided myself on being overly paranoid. But something still felt off. Cary refused to eat that evening and was unusually lethargic. Once again I felt a little nervous, but my sister in law was over and I chatted with her and I decided to relax a bit and that I really must be loosing my mind.
I checked Cary through the night and she slept through her feeding. I had decided at that point there was something wrong and unless she ate normally we were going back to the doctor pronto. So I fed her a bottle and 15 minutes later she was projectile vomiting. Not once, not twice, six times. Violently. She was turning purple. I was trying to stay calm, get Marvin on the bus, and tell him that sis had to go back to the doctor, but I am sure that she has a little bug. Marvin was freaked but my calm demeanor reassured him so he went to school with a smile.
So after her left I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown and cry. I called the social worker and left a message and called the doctors office and got her in as soon as possible. When Ms. J called she sounded stressed about it and I told her we would go to the doctor ASAP. She asked me to call with updates. I said I would. She said it was probably nothing. So I went to the doctor and after she took one look at Cary and read her records she said I needed to go to the pediatric ER due to her diabetes issues. Say what?
Now I remember reading that she had something called diabetes insipidus but her social worker blew it off when I asked about it saying that she had "outgrown it" and it wasn't anything big. So stupid me I believed her and I even said something along the lines of that to my sister in law. Whom I am sure thought I was crazy when it was brought up. She does have a medical background. But stupid me chose to listen to a social worker over a person with a medical degree. Let's just say that that will NEVER happen again.
So I went to the ER certain that my child was dying, I was a crappy mom who didn't deserve any children and I was probably going to get her taken away from me because I am a horrible parent who didn't deserve to live. But I pulled it together because Cary senses stress like a radar and started screaming murder on the way down. So I pulled over, held her, and told her that I loved her and that she is very sick and we needed to go to the nice ER people to give her an IV. I am sure she thought I was some deranged fruit loop but she stopped crying blew me a happy raspberry (darn kid didn't even have the nerve to act sick anymore) and away we went. Oh and I had called her worker and let her know. All of a sudden Ms. J was taking this very seriously. She asked about her needing insulin. I said was she on it before? Of course, she didn't know. That was oh so helpful.
So I made it to the ER, met Shannon and after poking my poor baby and shining blue lights on her to find a vein they found one. After 5 painful jabs. Once she started getting fluids she started pinking up some. Then the questions started. Then the ER team found out we had only had her 3 days. They began offering congrats and we worked as a team answering what we could and getting Cary ready to be admitted. At the time we believed that she would be overnight, we would get her fluids, and send her home. Unfortunately, life is never that simple. Cary's team began to come in. When I say team I am not talking about the Green Bay Packers. I am talking about a neurologist, feeding specialist, PCP, endocrinologist, and vision specialist. They were briefed on our 3 day induction, offered congrats, and then looked grim.
They said that they had lost track of Cary. She had missed several critical doctors appointments. What did we mean when we said she wasn't on any medications? Do we know about this. It was at this point that I realized that we were in some serious do do. Unfortunately, we need to stabilize her. You guys will have to stay in the PICU for several days. Cary's team will come in one at a time so you don't feel so overwhelmed (like that was going to help insert eye roll). We are going to get on the same page and work to get her back on maintenance. Don't worry Mrs. Fields, don't worry. Too late for that one.
So I called the social worker. By that time I was boiling mad. Why didn't she let us know about these missed appointments? I could have taken her in earlier. Apparently, Ms. J had no clue either. I had pretty much decided at this point that she is going to be as helpful as mammary glands on a bull and I would table this issue for now. I had a sick baby and a husband who looked like he had been hit with a mack truck who could only say over and over that they lied to us. They friggin lied to us. I got to that problem later on but right now I crooned and stroked Cary. I kissed her. Then the shunt doctor from hell came in, banged on my poor baby's head like she was a ripe melon and tapped her shunt. Good news mom! Her cat scans came back great and she has nice clear fluids and her head looks better than ever. Everyone is pleased about that. Well whoopee do for that. So after I once again calm down my kid and develop a healthy loathing for neurology we get a room in the PICU.
Meanwhile, at the bat cave my wonderful in laws have picked Marvin up and brought him to the hospital. I loved on him so long and hard. I am sure he thought I was a fruit loop as well but I didn't care. After you have been through all this you need to hold on to something "normal". Marvin cried but went with grandma and paw paw. I went back upstairs to be with baby. We were given an extra "room" with a broken twin bed, shared nasty bathroom, and it is either freezing or roasting. But it has been "home" and allows Shannon and I to get some rest in between being with our angel.
Yesterday morning was when we found out about diabetes insipidus. It has nothing to do with blood sugar and insulin. What it is is a communication between the pituitary gland and the kidneys. When Cary was born so premature her little brain hemorrhaged and damaged her pituitary gland. So the gland is supposed to send a chemical to to the kidneys telling them to clean out the yucky sodium and waste and reabsorb the waters to function. In a person with this type of diabetes what happens is that they pee the water and keep they yuckies in the kidneys and pee excessively. They go in reverse. So imagine Cary is an adult. She would have to drink one gallon of water every hour on the hour to function at a normal level. To live. But life isn't like that. If a normal person gets a stomach virus (which is what they determined that she has. She has an elevated white cell count so she has a virus. They also tapped her spine and are keeping an eye out for something more serious, but so far there doesn't seem to be anything worse) they can live 24-48 hours without fluid. A baby with diabetes insipidus can dehydrate and die within a two hour period. It was at that point Shannon and I came pretty much unglued. My baby COULD HAVE DIED. If I hadn't followed my gut we would be burying my child. Shannon and I sat downstairs in the cafeteria and felt very helpless. I cried and Shannon went numb inside.
Then I realized something. I AM A GOOD PARENT. Not a perfect parent, but a pretty damn good one. I CAN DO THIS. My child has a disability, not a death sentence. So I asked question, lots of them. The nurses rallied around me and offered there support and encouragement. Every time I felt myself flagging God sent in an angel disguised as a janitor, nurse, doctor, cafeteria worker, friend. I found something I thought I had lost. I found hope. It has been that hope that has held me up. Then Cary started to improve. People listened to my concerns. When my alarm bell went off I spoke up. For better or for worse Cary is MY daughter.
At the time of writing this a ton of doctors and nurses came in. They were smiling. At me. At us. We get to move out of the PICU and into the nursery wing. If she continues to improve we will go home tomorrow afternoon. There are still hurdles to jump over and I have a major bone to pick with DSS but I am stronger than this diagnosis. I want Cary to be stronger than it too. I don't want her to be some sort of sniveling coward. I will raise a strong and resilient daughter just as I am tring to raise a strong a resilient son. My children will NOT be defined by their conditions.
Well I am at it I want a purple heart for surviving this:). OK, that is probably pushing it. But I would settle for a nice hot healthy meal with not a carb in sight and lots of fresh green veggies. I am craving fish, peas, salad, chicken, pears, and oh all right a little tiny bit of chocolate cake (I'm a girl, sue me). I am also craving time with Marvin. I need my other baby. And clean laundry. Shannon has tried, bless his heart, but he is starting to bring me back weird outfit combos and I am going to start feeling like a circus freak if I don't get some decent clothes. And don't get me started on the guy we share the bathroom with and how he locks me out when he isn't in there and grooms more than most girls I know while I am holding my bladder and thinking of how to cut off his hot water supply. So I am hoping to go home for a few precious hours. To sleep, eat, and love on my son. To begin to try to live my new normal and even more chaotic life. With joy, strength, and above all hope.
Instead I have spent the past 4 days either at the doctor or in the VCU/MCV hospital in Richmond. I have gone up and down like a roller coaster, have seen how little sleep a human can function on, and the 20 pounds I have managed to drop are creeping back on thanks to a huge carb/comfort food binge.
But let me back up a bit. Cary came home on Tuesday. We all loved on her, fussed, cooed, and spoiled her rotten. Even Marvin. Good grief. I went to the bathroom one time and came out to find her surrounded by crayons, paper, tractors, and 3 race car piled on her. He was sharing. I couldn't fuss about that could I? Thank heavens she has crappy eye hand coordination. So she couldn't get it near her mouth, but not for lack of trying:).
By Wednesday her appetite had decreased slightly and I was worried that she was constipated. I talked to her social worker and we agreed that I should take her in to the doctor. On Thursday, still no poop and she threw up a little. Again, no big deal. Babies throw up right? But deep inside my head there was a little alarm bell starting to go off. So I took her into the doctor they gave her a suppository, it worked and I found out she had been on Mirlax for her constipation issues. Once again no biggie. I commented on her lack of color and appetite that afternoon but I was brushed off. So I took a breath and chided myself on being overly paranoid. But something still felt off. Cary refused to eat that evening and was unusually lethargic. Once again I felt a little nervous, but my sister in law was over and I chatted with her and I decided to relax a bit and that I really must be loosing my mind.
I checked Cary through the night and she slept through her feeding. I had decided at that point there was something wrong and unless she ate normally we were going back to the doctor pronto. So I fed her a bottle and 15 minutes later she was projectile vomiting. Not once, not twice, six times. Violently. She was turning purple. I was trying to stay calm, get Marvin on the bus, and tell him that sis had to go back to the doctor, but I am sure that she has a little bug. Marvin was freaked but my calm demeanor reassured him so he went to school with a smile.
So after her left I proceeded to have a nervous breakdown and cry. I called the social worker and left a message and called the doctors office and got her in as soon as possible. When Ms. J called she sounded stressed about it and I told her we would go to the doctor ASAP. She asked me to call with updates. I said I would. She said it was probably nothing. So I went to the doctor and after she took one look at Cary and read her records she said I needed to go to the pediatric ER due to her diabetes issues. Say what?
Now I remember reading that she had something called diabetes insipidus but her social worker blew it off when I asked about it saying that she had "outgrown it" and it wasn't anything big. So stupid me I believed her and I even said something along the lines of that to my sister in law. Whom I am sure thought I was crazy when it was brought up. She does have a medical background. But stupid me chose to listen to a social worker over a person with a medical degree. Let's just say that that will NEVER happen again.
So I went to the ER certain that my child was dying, I was a crappy mom who didn't deserve any children and I was probably going to get her taken away from me because I am a horrible parent who didn't deserve to live. But I pulled it together because Cary senses stress like a radar and started screaming murder on the way down. So I pulled over, held her, and told her that I loved her and that she is very sick and we needed to go to the nice ER people to give her an IV. I am sure she thought I was some deranged fruit loop but she stopped crying blew me a happy raspberry (darn kid didn't even have the nerve to act sick anymore) and away we went. Oh and I had called her worker and let her know. All of a sudden Ms. J was taking this very seriously. She asked about her needing insulin. I said was she on it before? Of course, she didn't know. That was oh so helpful.
So I made it to the ER, met Shannon and after poking my poor baby and shining blue lights on her to find a vein they found one. After 5 painful jabs. Once she started getting fluids she started pinking up some. Then the questions started. Then the ER team found out we had only had her 3 days. They began offering congrats and we worked as a team answering what we could and getting Cary ready to be admitted. At the time we believed that she would be overnight, we would get her fluids, and send her home. Unfortunately, life is never that simple. Cary's team began to come in. When I say team I am not talking about the Green Bay Packers. I am talking about a neurologist, feeding specialist, PCP, endocrinologist, and vision specialist. They were briefed on our 3 day induction, offered congrats, and then looked grim.
They said that they had lost track of Cary. She had missed several critical doctors appointments. What did we mean when we said she wasn't on any medications? Do we know about this. It was at this point that I realized that we were in some serious do do. Unfortunately, we need to stabilize her. You guys will have to stay in the PICU for several days. Cary's team will come in one at a time so you don't feel so overwhelmed (like that was going to help insert eye roll). We are going to get on the same page and work to get her back on maintenance. Don't worry Mrs. Fields, don't worry. Too late for that one.
So I called the social worker. By that time I was boiling mad. Why didn't she let us know about these missed appointments? I could have taken her in earlier. Apparently, Ms. J had no clue either. I had pretty much decided at this point that she is going to be as helpful as mammary glands on a bull and I would table this issue for now. I had a sick baby and a husband who looked like he had been hit with a mack truck who could only say over and over that they lied to us. They friggin lied to us. I got to that problem later on but right now I crooned and stroked Cary. I kissed her. Then the shunt doctor from hell came in, banged on my poor baby's head like she was a ripe melon and tapped her shunt. Good news mom! Her cat scans came back great and she has nice clear fluids and her head looks better than ever. Everyone is pleased about that. Well whoopee do for that. So after I once again calm down my kid and develop a healthy loathing for neurology we get a room in the PICU.
Meanwhile, at the bat cave my wonderful in laws have picked Marvin up and brought him to the hospital. I loved on him so long and hard. I am sure he thought I was a fruit loop as well but I didn't care. After you have been through all this you need to hold on to something "normal". Marvin cried but went with grandma and paw paw. I went back upstairs to be with baby. We were given an extra "room" with a broken twin bed, shared nasty bathroom, and it is either freezing or roasting. But it has been "home" and allows Shannon and I to get some rest in between being with our angel.
Yesterday morning was when we found out about diabetes insipidus. It has nothing to do with blood sugar and insulin. What it is is a communication between the pituitary gland and the kidneys. When Cary was born so premature her little brain hemorrhaged and damaged her pituitary gland. So the gland is supposed to send a chemical to to the kidneys telling them to clean out the yucky sodium and waste and reabsorb the waters to function. In a person with this type of diabetes what happens is that they pee the water and keep they yuckies in the kidneys and pee excessively. They go in reverse. So imagine Cary is an adult. She would have to drink one gallon of water every hour on the hour to function at a normal level. To live. But life isn't like that. If a normal person gets a stomach virus (which is what they determined that she has. She has an elevated white cell count so she has a virus. They also tapped her spine and are keeping an eye out for something more serious, but so far there doesn't seem to be anything worse) they can live 24-48 hours without fluid. A baby with diabetes insipidus can dehydrate and die within a two hour period. It was at that point Shannon and I came pretty much unglued. My baby COULD HAVE DIED. If I hadn't followed my gut we would be burying my child. Shannon and I sat downstairs in the cafeteria and felt very helpless. I cried and Shannon went numb inside.
Then I realized something. I AM A GOOD PARENT. Not a perfect parent, but a pretty damn good one. I CAN DO THIS. My child has a disability, not a death sentence. So I asked question, lots of them. The nurses rallied around me and offered there support and encouragement. Every time I felt myself flagging God sent in an angel disguised as a janitor, nurse, doctor, cafeteria worker, friend. I found something I thought I had lost. I found hope. It has been that hope that has held me up. Then Cary started to improve. People listened to my concerns. When my alarm bell went off I spoke up. For better or for worse Cary is MY daughter.
At the time of writing this a ton of doctors and nurses came in. They were smiling. At me. At us. We get to move out of the PICU and into the nursery wing. If she continues to improve we will go home tomorrow afternoon. There are still hurdles to jump over and I have a major bone to pick with DSS but I am stronger than this diagnosis. I want Cary to be stronger than it too. I don't want her to be some sort of sniveling coward. I will raise a strong and resilient daughter just as I am tring to raise a strong a resilient son. My children will NOT be defined by their conditions.
Well I am at it I want a purple heart for surviving this:). OK, that is probably pushing it. But I would settle for a nice hot healthy meal with not a carb in sight and lots of fresh green veggies. I am craving fish, peas, salad, chicken, pears, and oh all right a little tiny bit of chocolate cake (I'm a girl, sue me). I am also craving time with Marvin. I need my other baby. And clean laundry. Shannon has tried, bless his heart, but he is starting to bring me back weird outfit combos and I am going to start feeling like a circus freak if I don't get some decent clothes. And don't get me started on the guy we share the bathroom with and how he locks me out when he isn't in there and grooms more than most girls I know while I am holding my bladder and thinking of how to cut off his hot water supply. So I am hoping to go home for a few precious hours. To sleep, eat, and love on my son. To begin to try to live my new normal and even more chaotic life. With joy, strength, and above all hope.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Baby Eve
Alright, not the best post title. But really what would you call it? Last day of sleeping all night long? Last day of having one child? I just don't have a good name for it.
But I do have something. Hope. Dreams. Faith. O.K. I have lots of somethings. Right now the house is very clean, the laundry has been cranking nonstop, Marvin is having a much needed nap, and I am taking a break. Also a much needed thing:).
We have been going crazy around here. Between learning the proper way to deal with a pack and play (other than beating the tar out of it), scrambling to get items for the baby, and giving extra time and attention to Marvin as the full force of this is hitting him hard. Things have been going at super sonic speed.
I am ready though. Both mentally and emotionally. I am ready to face the storms of what lies ahead with courage and strength. I am ready to ask for help when I need it. I am ready to find humor in bad moments, savor good moments, and learn from the 8,000 mistakes I am sure to make along the way. I am ready to admit that I am NOT wonder woman and cannot do it all perfectly. I am ready to enjoy the little moments. I am ready to fight for what this child may need and not back down. I am ready to exchange my old dreams for new ones. Not necessarily better or worse, just new. I am ready to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones. I am ready to find people who understand and support our family in healthy ways. I am ready for bad moments, good ones, sad ones, and happy ones. I know that I can learn and grow from them.
So tomorrow at 11am we will welcome a new little one into the home. But I have already welcomed her into my heart so this is just a formality. I AM READY.
But I do have something. Hope. Dreams. Faith. O.K. I have lots of somethings. Right now the house is very clean, the laundry has been cranking nonstop, Marvin is having a much needed nap, and I am taking a break. Also a much needed thing:).
We have been going crazy around here. Between learning the proper way to deal with a pack and play (other than beating the tar out of it), scrambling to get items for the baby, and giving extra time and attention to Marvin as the full force of this is hitting him hard. Things have been going at super sonic speed.
I am ready though. Both mentally and emotionally. I am ready to face the storms of what lies ahead with courage and strength. I am ready to ask for help when I need it. I am ready to find humor in bad moments, savor good moments, and learn from the 8,000 mistakes I am sure to make along the way. I am ready to admit that I am NOT wonder woman and cannot do it all perfectly. I am ready to enjoy the little moments. I am ready to fight for what this child may need and not back down. I am ready to exchange my old dreams for new ones. Not necessarily better or worse, just new. I am ready to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones. I am ready to find people who understand and support our family in healthy ways. I am ready for bad moments, good ones, sad ones, and happy ones. I know that I can learn and grow from them.
So tomorrow at 11am we will welcome a new little one into the home. But I have already welcomed her into my heart so this is just a formality. I AM READY.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
First Meeting
It has been really crazy busy around here. Not unusual for us, but hings have really picked up. I feel like my house has been hosed down in pepto. Honestly, I have never seen so much pinky cuteness around here. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled. It is just so weird after years of blue, green, and brown to have so much estrogen unleashed in a matter of a week! I am girly myself, but this tops it all!
So this means yes baby is coming home!! All those months of hair pulling, crazy insane moments. Cary will arrive on this coming Tuesday at 11am. Eastern Standard Time. And yes, we are thrilled.
But I really want to back up to our first meeting with our new little one. This meeting was a lot less stressful than Marvin's meeting. I really came prepared. I had extra tissue for tears, camera, water bottle (when I am really nervous I get extra thirsty), mints, you name it I probably had it in my purse.
I was early at the DSS and spent about five minutes trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I kept busy by watching parents scream at little kids and little kids climbing on chairs, hitting people, all the good stuff you find waiting at a DSS office. I did find a nice quiet family to sit by. The kids had hand held video games and were excited that they were getting into really high levels.
Then Shannon and Ms. J. walked in. Shannon was carrying a car seat. In that car seat was a snoozing baby. Apparently, he had gotten there at the same time. We went upstairs to the cafeteria and Shannon plunked down a little pink bundle on the table. (Sorry no pics. I can't get them to upload. I'm going to have to get Shannon to look at this! It is really irking me!)
Cary was placidly snoozing away. I looked around for a foster mom and there was none in sight. In answer to my questioning glance J quietly said that the foster mother refused to come. In one way that was good. I could just focus on loving up Cary and not have to worry about upsetting her. In another way I felt really bad. I wanted to hug her and thank her so much for taking such good care of Cary. I also wanted to know her schedule, what she liked to play with, type of formula, that sort of thing. But since that was not going to happen I just decided to focus on Cary.
Which I did. I scooped her right up out of her car seat while she just kept on sleeping. I kissed her little head, and just commenced extreme love time. After a while J scooted on out of there so Shannon and I could just spend time with her. By then she had woken up and Shannon was holding her. He resisted holding her claiming he didn't know how but I made him and he caught on pretty quick. She really liked Shannon. Then I claimed her again and J had come back.
Cary really started coughing at that point. She was turning purple and I know that that is not a good sign. So we went down to J's office and Cary stopped coughing. She became very busily employed on chewing through my shirt at that point. J showed us Cary's drawer filled with over , wait for it, 5,000 pages of medical history. Yup.
That is a little scary. But Cary was in the hospital from her birth till May. So a lot of the pages are just what time she ate, that sort of thing. But there are definite delays.
Cary is just about one, but she is functioning at about the level of a two month old. She also had trouble with her eyes. She kept trying to look at us but they would slide down and she would flutter her lashes in annoyance (yes she was peeved) while she tried to look at me. But after about the 15th person stopped in the office (there are not many babies in care so a baby is a very exciting thing) and told me how much better she was doing than her older brother (yes she has a six year old brother who has been adopted) and what a little fighter she is, I started feeling better.
Then J's supervisor came in and told us about how he thought we were the perfect family. He said so many nice things. He thought that we would be strong advocates for Cary and that we were just the best fit. I ended up feeling really good. So did Shannon. About then Shannon went back to work and J walked him out. Cary and I were having a blast. Then J came back and Cary decided that she needed to hurl. On me. Oh joy. Let's just say it was gross and I was really thankful that I had a change of clothes in the car. J and everyone else thought it was pretty funny.
Then Cary had to go home. I was sad that the meeting was over, but happy that I got to spend two hours with her. Plus she was going to be coming to us in a week and we had a lot to do. The first thing I did (after changing) was call my worker. She invited me over to raid the closet at Children's. The closet is a big room full of items for babies. I was a little timid about taking stuff, but the women who worked there weren't. I got some cute clothes, a little vibrator seat, and some rattles. It was great and I was thankful.
It was such an amazing day and now we are just counting down the hours until our angel comes home. We are so blessed to get two very young children from foster care. That is a miracle in itself. Someone asked me if this was it the other day. I told them that every time I make plans they end up changing. So I am just taking it one day at a time and enjoying the journey!
So this means yes baby is coming home!! All those months of hair pulling, crazy insane moments. Cary will arrive on this coming Tuesday at 11am. Eastern Standard Time. And yes, we are thrilled.
But I really want to back up to our first meeting with our new little one. This meeting was a lot less stressful than Marvin's meeting. I really came prepared. I had extra tissue for tears, camera, water bottle (when I am really nervous I get extra thirsty), mints, you name it I probably had it in my purse.
I was early at the DSS and spent about five minutes trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I kept busy by watching parents scream at little kids and little kids climbing on chairs, hitting people, all the good stuff you find waiting at a DSS office. I did find a nice quiet family to sit by. The kids had hand held video games and were excited that they were getting into really high levels.
Then Shannon and Ms. J. walked in. Shannon was carrying a car seat. In that car seat was a snoozing baby. Apparently, he had gotten there at the same time. We went upstairs to the cafeteria and Shannon plunked down a little pink bundle on the table. (Sorry no pics. I can't get them to upload. I'm going to have to get Shannon to look at this! It is really irking me!)
Cary was placidly snoozing away. I looked around for a foster mom and there was none in sight. In answer to my questioning glance J quietly said that the foster mother refused to come. In one way that was good. I could just focus on loving up Cary and not have to worry about upsetting her. In another way I felt really bad. I wanted to hug her and thank her so much for taking such good care of Cary. I also wanted to know her schedule, what she liked to play with, type of formula, that sort of thing. But since that was not going to happen I just decided to focus on Cary.
Which I did. I scooped her right up out of her car seat while she just kept on sleeping. I kissed her little head, and just commenced extreme love time. After a while J scooted on out of there so Shannon and I could just spend time with her. By then she had woken up and Shannon was holding her. He resisted holding her claiming he didn't know how but I made him and he caught on pretty quick. She really liked Shannon. Then I claimed her again and J had come back.
Cary really started coughing at that point. She was turning purple and I know that that is not a good sign. So we went down to J's office and Cary stopped coughing. She became very busily employed on chewing through my shirt at that point. J showed us Cary's drawer filled with over , wait for it, 5,000 pages of medical history. Yup.
That is a little scary. But Cary was in the hospital from her birth till May. So a lot of the pages are just what time she ate, that sort of thing. But there are definite delays.
Cary is just about one, but she is functioning at about the level of a two month old. She also had trouble with her eyes. She kept trying to look at us but they would slide down and she would flutter her lashes in annoyance (yes she was peeved) while she tried to look at me. But after about the 15th person stopped in the office (there are not many babies in care so a baby is a very exciting thing) and told me how much better she was doing than her older brother (yes she has a six year old brother who has been adopted) and what a little fighter she is, I started feeling better.
Then J's supervisor came in and told us about how he thought we were the perfect family. He said so many nice things. He thought that we would be strong advocates for Cary and that we were just the best fit. I ended up feeling really good. So did Shannon. About then Shannon went back to work and J walked him out. Cary and I were having a blast. Then J came back and Cary decided that she needed to hurl. On me. Oh joy. Let's just say it was gross and I was really thankful that I had a change of clothes in the car. J and everyone else thought it was pretty funny.
Then Cary had to go home. I was sad that the meeting was over, but happy that I got to spend two hours with her. Plus she was going to be coming to us in a week and we had a lot to do. The first thing I did (after changing) was call my worker. She invited me over to raid the closet at Children's. The closet is a big room full of items for babies. I was a little timid about taking stuff, but the women who worked there weren't. I got some cute clothes, a little vibrator seat, and some rattles. It was great and I was thankful.
It was such an amazing day and now we are just counting down the hours until our angel comes home. We are so blessed to get two very young children from foster care. That is a miracle in itself. Someone asked me if this was it the other day. I told them that every time I make plans they end up changing. So I am just taking it one day at a time and enjoying the journey!
Monday, August 27, 2012
We Have a Meeting!!!
Yippee!!!!
Tomorrow we will meet our daughter and hopefully discuss when she is coming home. It was all crazy how it came about so let me back track a little bit.
Friday I was getting ready to go get groceries and books when my phone caller ID flashed Ms. J's name. I answered it and she asked if I had a little time. I roll my eyes back further than I think I am capable of and put on a "happy" voice and say sure. J is very to the point. She said there has been a change in our case. I start to panic. I think, did mom and dad find Jesus and reform, is there a relative wanting Cary, or do you just hate us now? I was ready to throw up. Really.
J said that our placement plans have altered slightly. Gone is the need for 2-3 pre-placement visits. She is looking for a "cleaner and quicker" transition. The foster mother is having a hard time and it wouldn't be in the best interest of the child to drag it on. She went on with a few other things that are too private to place here. I agreed and then I shared another time and place that this happened.
Walk back with me a few years and months to a cold December day. I was so scared. I was meeting my son for the very first time. I hadn't slept the night before. I was so full of joy and bounce I was driving everyone bonkers. We got in Ms. T's car and pulled up to the L family's home. I couldn't stop smiling. The air was cold, clean and crisp. I wore my lucky sweater and my boss had given me time off so I could savor this day. We rang the bell and a woman opened it up. Mrs. L was everything you could want in a foster parent. Sweet, funny, easy, kind. She was smiling but it didn't meet her eyes. She was trying so hard to be happy, but it didn't take me long to figure out the facade. I tried to play along, but I was uncomfortable. We walked in and she offered us a drink. I declined. She showed us Marvin's stuff and proudly announced she'd weaned him from a bottle to a sippy cup. She showed us all his toys and stuff. She had gotten it from the goodwill and assured me that it was great stuff. By then I felt this undercurrent of tension. Ms. T felt it too and asked where her little man was.
At that point Mr L. came in with Marvin. I was over joyed. My son, my baby, my boo-boo. Mr. L took one look at me, burst into tears, and threw Marvin in my lap, and ran out of the room. A part of my soul was broken. To this day the whole thing makes me cry. It was at that point I realized that for my dream to live other people's dreams had to die. For my heart to be mended, other hearts had to break.
The meeting got better. Mr. L managed to pull it together and we all hugged and cried. Then we made a date to bring Marvin home and it all went south again. At that point Ms. T figured we'd better leave. We did go. I never forgot though.
So after I shared highlights of Marvin's meeting I ended with saying that even though I would like it all to go smoothly and everyone hold hand and sing Kumbyah I realize that this is not reality. Ms. J was silent for a moment and said that she wished it could be that way too but was glad that I had lived through this once and "got it".
I honestly wish that I hadn't gone through it. That it would have been a fully magical first meeting and everyone smiled and was happy. That there would have been rainbow, chirping birds, and your various Disney creatures dancing. But that is just not real life.
So tomorrow I go meet our daughter for the first time. I wish I could muster as much joy as I had for Marvin's meeting. Don't get me wrong, I am still very excited. I can't wait to hold Cary Lynn for the first time. To look into her eyes. To take pictures. To think of all the things that we will do together. Of all the pink that will invade our predominately male household.
But for the expansion of our family to happen a woman must choose to let the little girl that she has cared for since a few months old go. Another mother must have her parental rights terminated. In life there is a mix of joy and sorrow. The sorrow can weigh you down if you let it. I will let it shape me into a more compassionate person, but I will not let it weigh me down. I choose to live a life of joy, of hope, and of promise.
Tomorrow we will meet our daughter and hopefully discuss when she is coming home. It was all crazy how it came about so let me back track a little bit.
Friday I was getting ready to go get groceries and books when my phone caller ID flashed Ms. J's name. I answered it and she asked if I had a little time. I roll my eyes back further than I think I am capable of and put on a "happy" voice and say sure. J is very to the point. She said there has been a change in our case. I start to panic. I think, did mom and dad find Jesus and reform, is there a relative wanting Cary, or do you just hate us now? I was ready to throw up. Really.
J said that our placement plans have altered slightly. Gone is the need for 2-3 pre-placement visits. She is looking for a "cleaner and quicker" transition. The foster mother is having a hard time and it wouldn't be in the best interest of the child to drag it on. She went on with a few other things that are too private to place here. I agreed and then I shared another time and place that this happened.
Walk back with me a few years and months to a cold December day. I was so scared. I was meeting my son for the very first time. I hadn't slept the night before. I was so full of joy and bounce I was driving everyone bonkers. We got in Ms. T's car and pulled up to the L family's home. I couldn't stop smiling. The air was cold, clean and crisp. I wore my lucky sweater and my boss had given me time off so I could savor this day. We rang the bell and a woman opened it up. Mrs. L was everything you could want in a foster parent. Sweet, funny, easy, kind. She was smiling but it didn't meet her eyes. She was trying so hard to be happy, but it didn't take me long to figure out the facade. I tried to play along, but I was uncomfortable. We walked in and she offered us a drink. I declined. She showed us Marvin's stuff and proudly announced she'd weaned him from a bottle to a sippy cup. She showed us all his toys and stuff. She had gotten it from the goodwill and assured me that it was great stuff. By then I felt this undercurrent of tension. Ms. T felt it too and asked where her little man was.
At that point Mr L. came in with Marvin. I was over joyed. My son, my baby, my boo-boo. Mr. L took one look at me, burst into tears, and threw Marvin in my lap, and ran out of the room. A part of my soul was broken. To this day the whole thing makes me cry. It was at that point I realized that for my dream to live other people's dreams had to die. For my heart to be mended, other hearts had to break.
The meeting got better. Mr. L managed to pull it together and we all hugged and cried. Then we made a date to bring Marvin home and it all went south again. At that point Ms. T figured we'd better leave. We did go. I never forgot though.
So after I shared highlights of Marvin's meeting I ended with saying that even though I would like it all to go smoothly and everyone hold hand and sing Kumbyah I realize that this is not reality. Ms. J was silent for a moment and said that she wished it could be that way too but was glad that I had lived through this once and "got it".
I honestly wish that I hadn't gone through it. That it would have been a fully magical first meeting and everyone smiled and was happy. That there would have been rainbow, chirping birds, and your various Disney creatures dancing. But that is just not real life.
So tomorrow I go meet our daughter for the first time. I wish I could muster as much joy as I had for Marvin's meeting. Don't get me wrong, I am still very excited. I can't wait to hold Cary Lynn for the first time. To look into her eyes. To take pictures. To think of all the things that we will do together. Of all the pink that will invade our predominately male household.
But for the expansion of our family to happen a woman must choose to let the little girl that she has cared for since a few months old go. Another mother must have her parental rights terminated. In life there is a mix of joy and sorrow. The sorrow can weigh you down if you let it. I will let it shape me into a more compassionate person, but I will not let it weigh me down. I choose to live a life of joy, of hope, and of promise.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Baby visit coming soon!
That's right. We finally get to meet this little person. It took some doing and a lot of pesting on my part! What? You thought this was going to be easy? I laugh, ha ha.
The reality is it is the end of summer and their is some sort of weird migration pattern going on in Social worker land. Our social worker is on her umpteenth vacation since she got hired. I'm serious. Every time we have something come up she goes away and sends a very nice e-mail along the lines of, "you can handle it just fine". I'm not complaining, and she is right. Having walked through the fire pits before more than qualifies us to handle pesky stuff.
But I was really hoping to have more done by now. Thanks to mass migration we are at least two weeks behind schedule. The good news is that I finally pinned down Ms. J to a meet and greet. It is for Wednesday next week. Further down the line than I wanted, but she is holding down her work and her co worker's work while she is migrating. Ms. J will call me tomorrow and pin down a time. I will also ask if I can bring my camera to take some pics of the baby. I would very much like to show off our new offspring. But we may have to wait until the second meeting to do that. It is all kind of weird and you never know the rules of the game until you are in the middle of it.
I have been really busy around here. Life continues 24/7 whether you want it to or not. For awhile I was really dragging and down because things were going so painfully slow. But then I figured I could mope and sulk because things were not going according to my neat packaged plan or I could get out there and enjoy something I haven't had in years. A little me time. So I will say taking a little time for me to get some things that I want to do done has been nice.
Another good part is I am knocking out household projects like crazy. You know how you make a list and then say I'll get to it whenever? Well, my whenever is now. It won't be long before I will be backlogged again so I am organizing, cleaning, and catching up on paperwork as fast as I can.
Marvin continues to thrive in school. It has really surprised me. He comes home eager to share his day, talks about his friends, and just seems to really love it. I guess it shouldn't bother me and I should be more embracing of this new chapter in his life, but I am a die hard Montessori teacher and while his new school is nice and all, it just isn't very.......Montessori. I am hoping I adjust to this fact as well as Marvin has.
So that is where we are right now. I hope to have some new baby pictures soon and even though it is very frustrating and wrath provoking this is all going to come together. I just hope for sooner verses later!
The reality is it is the end of summer and their is some sort of weird migration pattern going on in Social worker land. Our social worker is on her umpteenth vacation since she got hired. I'm serious. Every time we have something come up she goes away and sends a very nice e-mail along the lines of, "you can handle it just fine". I'm not complaining, and she is right. Having walked through the fire pits before more than qualifies us to handle pesky stuff.
But I was really hoping to have more done by now. Thanks to mass migration we are at least two weeks behind schedule. The good news is that I finally pinned down Ms. J to a meet and greet. It is for Wednesday next week. Further down the line than I wanted, but she is holding down her work and her co worker's work while she is migrating. Ms. J will call me tomorrow and pin down a time. I will also ask if I can bring my camera to take some pics of the baby. I would very much like to show off our new offspring. But we may have to wait until the second meeting to do that. It is all kind of weird and you never know the rules of the game until you are in the middle of it.
I have been really busy around here. Life continues 24/7 whether you want it to or not. For awhile I was really dragging and down because things were going so painfully slow. But then I figured I could mope and sulk because things were not going according to my neat packaged plan or I could get out there and enjoy something I haven't had in years. A little me time. So I will say taking a little time for me to get some things that I want to do done has been nice.
Another good part is I am knocking out household projects like crazy. You know how you make a list and then say I'll get to it whenever? Well, my whenever is now. It won't be long before I will be backlogged again so I am organizing, cleaning, and catching up on paperwork as fast as I can.
Marvin continues to thrive in school. It has really surprised me. He comes home eager to share his day, talks about his friends, and just seems to really love it. I guess it shouldn't bother me and I should be more embracing of this new chapter in his life, but I am a die hard Montessori teacher and while his new school is nice and all, it just isn't very.......Montessori. I am hoping I adjust to this fact as well as Marvin has.
So that is where we are right now. I hope to have some new baby pictures soon and even though it is very frustrating and wrath provoking this is all going to come together. I just hope for sooner verses later!
Friday, August 17, 2012
Growing up and moving on
So it has been a really long and busy week. We had another social worker visit and Marvin started kindergarten.
I will have to say I had a very hard time with him going to public school. I humped and grumbled. Then I was reminded that it was important to have an open mind and not to pass judgement and to get off my high and mighty Montessori throne. So I went to open house and saw the classroom, met Marvin's new teacher, and his classmates. I ended up cautiously optimistic about it. I really like Marvin's teacher. She is really nice and was more than willing to answer all my questions.
School started Wednesday. Marvin couldn't wait to get on the bus. We missed it on day one! Shannon and the driver got their wires crossed and gave me the wrong time! I was fried!! That was my Kodak moment people!! But on day two I got my pic. I'd post it, but blogger is giving me trouble so I will save it for another day. Marvin never looked back. Waaaahhhhhh!
He has taken to his new school like a duck to water. He loves it. He talks about what he is doing, is excited to eat in a cafeteria, and drags me out the door to the bus stop every morning. No separation anxiety either. At least for him. I miss him during the day, but the change has been helping our at home relationship. He no longer has to juggle mommy as a teacher and a parent. So there are some good things happening.
As for the baby we had another meeting with her social worker. She came to the house to see if we had outlet covers in our outlets and that we didn't have a swimming pool. I kid you not. Really. She also made sure we had a first aid kit and no fire arms around. Plus she made Shannon take time off from work so he could be here for the full 15 minutes. Gotta love DSS.
On a good note, we are making some progress. We hope to meet Cary Lynn very soon. She is making developmental strides and we are slowly closer towards getting her home. Her social worker needs us to meet her at least two times and then needs to come back to our house to make sure our outlets are still covered and that we haven't snuck in an Olympic sized pool. I wish I was kidding, sadly, I'm not. It is frustrating to wait, but we are hoping to have her moved in by the end of August beginning of Septemberish. Part of the problem is that agencies can't share background checks and paperwork so we have to fill out stuff, get fingerprinted, and so forth all over again. Cary's social worker promised to call on Monday (which means Tuesday in DSS land) to set up a time to see our baby. Waiting stinks, but my friends assure me that it is building my character. I won't say what I said about that. Plus the baby get up during the night so I should probably enjoy sleeping all night long while I can=).
So that is where we are right now! I will keep everyone posted on developments. Thanks for the prayers and support as our family transitions into a new season of our lives!
I will have to say I had a very hard time with him going to public school. I humped and grumbled. Then I was reminded that it was important to have an open mind and not to pass judgement and to get off my high and mighty Montessori throne. So I went to open house and saw the classroom, met Marvin's new teacher, and his classmates. I ended up cautiously optimistic about it. I really like Marvin's teacher. She is really nice and was more than willing to answer all my questions.
School started Wednesday. Marvin couldn't wait to get on the bus. We missed it on day one! Shannon and the driver got their wires crossed and gave me the wrong time! I was fried!! That was my Kodak moment people!! But on day two I got my pic. I'd post it, but blogger is giving me trouble so I will save it for another day. Marvin never looked back. Waaaahhhhhh!
He has taken to his new school like a duck to water. He loves it. He talks about what he is doing, is excited to eat in a cafeteria, and drags me out the door to the bus stop every morning. No separation anxiety either. At least for him. I miss him during the day, but the change has been helping our at home relationship. He no longer has to juggle mommy as a teacher and a parent. So there are some good things happening.
As for the baby we had another meeting with her social worker. She came to the house to see if we had outlet covers in our outlets and that we didn't have a swimming pool. I kid you not. Really. She also made sure we had a first aid kit and no fire arms around. Plus she made Shannon take time off from work so he could be here for the full 15 minutes. Gotta love DSS.
On a good note, we are making some progress. We hope to meet Cary Lynn very soon. She is making developmental strides and we are slowly closer towards getting her home. Her social worker needs us to meet her at least two times and then needs to come back to our house to make sure our outlets are still covered and that we haven't snuck in an Olympic sized pool. I wish I was kidding, sadly, I'm not. It is frustrating to wait, but we are hoping to have her moved in by the end of August beginning of Septemberish. Part of the problem is that agencies can't share background checks and paperwork so we have to fill out stuff, get fingerprinted, and so forth all over again. Cary's social worker promised to call on Monday (which means Tuesday in DSS land) to set up a time to see our baby. Waiting stinks, but my friends assure me that it is building my character. I won't say what I said about that. Plus the baby get up during the night so I should probably enjoy sleeping all night long while I can=).
So that is where we are right now! I will keep everyone posted on developments. Thanks for the prayers and support as our family transitions into a new season of our lives!
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