Adoption Matters

I have been talking a lot about adoption recently.  It is National Adoption Month and once a year I have a chance to speak about not only my children's adoption and the process but my own personal adoption journey.

I get lots of questions ranging from "How are your personal experiences and perceptions shaped by adoption?" to "Do you think you were left by aliens from a planet outside of earth?"  (Of course I was asked that by an 8 year old boy when I was a kid).   The questions are humorous at times, but mostly thoughtful. They make me reflect on thought and feelings.
Adoption matters.  It is not a perfect process, but it creates something wonderful.  It throws together people that would probably never cross paths in everyday life and draws them together to form a new unit.

I look on my life as an amazing journey.  Because of one persons selfless act they started a chain of events that changed other's lives as well.  I always viewed my adoption as matter of fact.  My biological family couldn't raise me and wanted a good home that could.  That happened.

But what also came out of it was my desire to adopt as well.  I wanted to continue the chain. And I did.

In 2008 we brought home our son.  He was born addicted to meth and had Shaken Baby Syndrome.  He also suffers from PTSD, RAD, and learning disabilities. But he is also an amazing testament to the power of love.

We had thought we were done.  But then Marvin looked at us with those big blue eyes and asked for a "sissor"

So in 2012 Cary Lynn came to live with us.  She was considered a legal risk adoption because her parental rights hadn't been terminated, but we took a chance.  Born very premature and with a list of problems twelve miles long and 8 million specialists Cary continued to defy odds and showed us that strength does not come in size, but in the beat of a tiny heart.

I would like to say that it was easy, magical, and that I dance with unicorns in fields of violets daily.  It wasn't.  We had to take parenting classes.  Three times.  I had to deal with incompetent social workers, dead ends, and dashed hopes and dreams.

But I built new dreams.  And when doors started to close I just stuck my foot and face right in them.  I took leaps of faith and jumped through flaming hoops.  I shouted, cried, whispered and prayed.  It took three years to get Marvin and two years for Cary Lynn.  But it was worth it.

Adoption is not for the weak.  If you can't stand waiting, having your life gone over with a fine tooth comb, and multiple random people in your life get a hamster.

But if you are one of the amazing people who stay the course you have a chance.  A chance to provide a child roots to grow and wings to fly.  A chance to break abusive and harmful cycles. To set them free from bad patterns and start new patterns.  The chain you start has a chance to impact many other lives.

This month we celebrate adoption, but in my home it is celebrated every day.  In the laughter, tears, and hopes and dreams.  The chain that started almost 39 years ago is going strong and changing the world.  Adoption matters.

The awakening

  " The child passes little by little from the unconscious to the conscious, treading always in the paths of joy and love" -Maria Montessori

I love the stories and folk tales from different cultures.  Many speak of a time when people were asleep and enchanted and mythical creatures roamed.  When the time came we awakened.  We had always existed and would continue to exist, but our bodies and minds lay dormant.

When we brought our daughter home I felt like she dwelled in this dream time place.  She was happy and content to be in the embryonic state and to let us live life around her.  She would sit for hours if you would let her in a patch of sunshine watching the world go by.  Content to be a bystander. Content to be dormant.

Many special needs parents have children that dwell in the dream lands.  We do anything we can to coax, guide, and flat out drag them kicking and screaming into humanity.  We feel that they are missing so much, the joys and try to force them into something they are not ready for.  I tried to force my daughter out so many times that she began to flee to the dream land.  She fled from everything I tried to do and hid further and further in the shadows.

So I stopped and stepped back.  It was hard for me to do.  I am not by nature a patient person.  But I wanted Cary Lynn to come out on her own terms.  And she did.

I can't tell you exactly when it started happening.  Was it when she realized she could push a switch and get her needs met?  Was it when she understood that by moving her left hand at a certain angle that she could hit shiny red bells?

Was it when she sat in her chair and signed music and I sang to her and then she signed more?  Or was it when her vision teacher brought over all sorts of new playthings that Cary has now spent several hours of untiring exploration?

I don't know when it exactly happened or how, I just know that it has.  My daughter is awake.  She is interacting with her world.  Movements that were jerky or reflexy are becoming purposeful.  She is exploring, thinking, and laughing.

We are starting a new path and beginning a new journey.  I have no idea where we will go, but I am excited and ready for the adventure.   My daughter has left the dream land.  And life will never be the same.

Tricks and treats

We have had so much happening around here and I feel really swamped most days.

We had an awesome Halloween.  The kids were dressed up and super super cute.

Marvin was a knight.  He loved the costume.  The minute he came home from school he put it on and pretty much wore it until we pried him out of at bedtime.

Last year Cary Lynn was a ticked off flower.  This year she was a ticked off Raggedy Ann.  She hated the wig and tried to chew her way out of her costume.  She finally got into the "spirit" of things when we were out.  We have an awesome neighbor who buys out the dollar general every year.  They loaded Cary Lynn with enough squishy balls and bubbles to last her until next year.  She also had her fist taste of pureed Kit Kats.  She didn't like them.  In fact, my kids are really not into candy.  Marvin will eat it for a day and then be done.  So most of the candy is *ahem* eaten by other sources.

Cary Lynn had a slew of appointments.  We started at the pace clinic.  She has been cleared for the MRI on the 15th.  I am nervous.  This is a real chance to look inside her brain.  There has always been talk of the damage.  But this will make the talk real.  But I am really trying not to dwell on that right now.  I have bigger concerns.

The number one is weight.  Or lack of it.  Cary Lynn is dropping pounds and no one knows why.  We go to the GI doctor on Thursday.  So hopefully we get answers.  She wants to eat, but her little body is at war with her mind.  It puts the butterflies of worry in my heart.

She also got her chair.  What's the big deal?  For me it is a mixed blessing.  Cary Lynn is at the age where she can no longer fit in cute baby equipment, but she is not ready to sit on her own.  Just like the costume her little body is well, raggedy.   She wants to do so much but her body won't obey.

So the chair came.  They come with names like the Buffalo or a Stingray, but it is all the same.  It is a piece of equipment that most two year olds don't need.  I saw the chair today at PT and really wanted to just cry.  But then Cary sat in it.  And smiled.

And kept smiling.  It was like she was saying, where have you been oh great and mighty chair.  She has laughed and played in it on and off all day.  So I really can't have a gloomy Gus attitude when my own kid acts like this is the best thing since sliced bread.

Cary shows me a lot of things.  She is the greatest teacher I have had outside of my son.  They teach me that the things that bother me really shouldn't.  That sometimes we all need a little support.  And a positive attitude.  My greatest wish is that I can go through the waters of life with the same joy and acceptance of situations that my children have.

Hidden Scars

Many times I am stopped with funny looks in stores.  I have a daughter with leg braces, and as anyone can see multiple special needs.  I am pretty calm and just smile, answer questions, and ignore funny looks.  I don't claim sainthood, but a few years back I may have been the one staring at "that kind of child".  So I practice patience, forgiveness, and most importantly education.  I do not believe in "hiding" her disability.  It is part of her, it makes her unique, and defines the way we see the world around us.

But then you look at my son.

Chances are if you walk into my house you will see a whirling dervish.  A six year old high octane full energy kid whose greatest life achievement at this point is that he has learned to make armpit farts.  The simple joys of childhood.

That is what most people see.  The all American blonde hair, blue eyed kid.  The kid everyone likes. He's funny, loves animals, and hates cleaning his room.  Its what you don't see.  I call it the hidden scars.

My son lived through more abuse and trauma in the first year of life than you could ever imagine.  He was beaten, dropped, neglected, and eventually shaken to the point where he nearly died.  His abuser was a person who was supposed to protect, defend, and love him.  His bio mom.

I made some big mistakes when we first got him.  The biggest one was the lie I bought.  He will be fine.   He will just magically be normal.  But for Marvin that normal never came.

Marvin flourishes with us.  He is like a little plant soaking up sunshine and love.  But Marvin's mind stopped growing when the abuse started.  He has memory loss, numbers and letter look funny to him, and learning new things is a challenge.  He also can have tantrums that last for hours, anxiety attacks, and stress episodes.

Chances are you won't ever see them.  Marvin is a master chameleon.  He has learned how to survive and put on a happy face.  But the scars are there.

Marvin needs support and help to make it day to day.  He has traumatic brain injuries.  He needs constant reassurances that he is safe and supported.  Thankfully we are getting support.  We get support from a trauma specialist.  We basically had to learn to re parent Marvin.  We are in the process of getting him support in school so he can succeed.

Marvin is amazing.  He was a victim of horrible violence and a survivor.  He continues to live day to day and has a zest for life.  We continue to fight for him and advocate for his unique needs.  I also am no longer hiding it.  When we hide abuse and violence we have let the abuser win.  We need to shine light on the deeds done in the dark so we can help victims advocate for themselves.  There is no shame in this.  There is only shame when we choose silence and let the innocent continue to suffer.

I choose to be silent no longer.  For my son's sake I will not pretend anymore.  I am breaking the silence.

Cary Lynn is two!!!!

Wow!  The little girl that came into my home has had some major changes.  The biggest one is that our adoption is finalized!!!  Yay!!!!  There was a court photographer and lots of hooplah, but I don't have the pictures yet so I will backtrack to that when I get them.  Let's just say I cried.  A lot.

Then we celebrated.

Every girl deserves a party hat:).  Cary Lynn turned two.  For most children two is another day at the ballpark.  For Cary Lynn it is a big mile stone.  She lives.  It's true that she is still mostly non-verbal, doesn't walk or even crawl yet, but she survived.  That is pretty big in my book.

We kept it pretty simple.  Just grandparents.  We ate, talked, laughed, and ate some more.

My rocking mother in law made a fantastic cake.

With a little help Cary Lynn was able to enjoy cake too:).

So we celebrated.  She got all sorts of toys and loot.  My favorite is the bubble quilt my mom made for her to play on.

Or sleep on.  Birthday are hard work:).  It blows my mind that she has come so far.  That she is growing and thriving.  We still have a long road to walk and lots of progress to be made, but she has come so far.

Happy birthday little girl.  Mommy loves you.

Adoption Eve

Tomorrow we go to celebrate a big day.  Tomorrow Harmani Lee Armstrong is wiped from all the books and Cary Lynn Fields takes her rightful place as my daughter.  I take her into my home, life, and family for good.  There is no turning back.  Not that I would ever want to.

It has been a journey.  The first time she was placed in my arms it felt like she had always been mine.

Then she threw up all over me and I knew she was a keeper:).  Or I had been territorially marked.

She was small, she was weak, and she had a disability list that would make some people cringe.  Plus she had nearly died several times so not many people were chomping at the bit to take this little lady home.  But I saw something in her.  Something that others may not have seen.

I saw it four days later when we were in the PICU at our hospital.  When I found out that her foster family had missed out on many major medical appointments.  I saw it when a team of doctors came in and talked over her about all her "problems".

It was her spirit and fire.  The child stuck out her tongue and spit at them after they left.  I was tired and scared and here is this baby acting like its just another day at the office.  So I decided that if she could do it so could I (I do refrain from spitting at people even though I am tempted at times).

My daughter is amazing.  Her adoption is the completion of our family unit.  It is a circle of love that started the day I was placed for adoption.  My biological mother had to give me up.  I know the circumstances and the sorrow.  But what she did, like ripples in the pond, started something bigger. A painful event turned into something good.  It placed in me a desire to adopt and that desire took two abused children out of a horrible situation and gave them a stable loving home.  Because of what I did cycles were broken and these children will be able to raise their children healthy and strong.

Welcome home Cary Lynn Fields.  You are strong, beautiful, and talented.  I am honored to be your mommy.

AFO's, Cheetos, and Big Macks

Wow!  It has been quite a week!  And we are only on Wednesday.  Last week I was kind of feeling a little bogged down.  It happens.  Life gets busy and sometimes you just want off the merry go round. Plus Cary Lynn and I were sick with that awful bug that is going around.  But the bug has passed for the most part and we are back to normal and moving through.

The last post I talked about our communication board.  Cary Lynn has been trying it out.  There is an upside and downside to it.  The upside is now she gets to make some basic choices and so far every time I have used it she has made a preferred choice.  I have also found out that I am raising a tomboy because every time I put the ball on the board no matter what the other choice is she always wants to pay ball.  I don't know whether to be thrilled that she has preferred toys or to be upset because I was really hoping for a dolly loving tea party playing little girl.  Sigh.  I guess I will just have to go find someone else to play dollies with:).

The downside is there is only so much Velcro in the universe and objects to put on the board.  Say Cary wants more or is finished with something.  That's a little hard to stick on an object board.  So we have limitations.  That is where the big mack comes in.  And no, I'm not talking about the golden arches.  I'm talking about a switch.  One of these:

We tried sign language with Cary Lynn and she does have a few signs down, but Cerebral Palsy has robbed her of the ability to have really fluent hand movement, plus limited vision makes it harder as well.  So we needed a new solution.  On this switch you can record things.  We recorded "I want more".  So when she wants more of something we have her press the switch.  This gives Cary Lynn a voice and empowers her.  It has been wonderful:).  I have never been happier to be interrupted with I want more.  We'll see how long that lasts:).

In other news we have been making progress putting weight on our legs.  I wish I had a picture of Cary Lynn while she is practicing standing but I am the one supporting her so I don't.  But I have a picture of what helps her out.

I have to admit that when her AFOs first came home I used every excuse not to put them on her.  I thought lets just stick a huge handicapped sign on her with blinking lights.  But lately I have come to realize that it really doesn't matter what others think.  My child NEEDS these.  They support her legs, giving her strength to bear weight.  These are the first of many that she will wear.  So the sooner I suck it up and deal with it the better she will be.  So we wear them.

Cary Lynn is also learning how to chew.  I know not really exciting for those of us who have mastered this years ago, but for her a milestone.  Back when we got her the GI's first sentence to me was, "Ready for that G-Tube?".  I told him where to stick it and that Cary Lynn would eat just like we do thank you very much.  He was doubtful and sometimes so was I, but now she is learning to chew food.  It happens very slowly, but it is happening.  Today at feeding clinic she chewed a Cheetos corn puff thing.  And a cookie.  So she is trying hard.

As we get closer to her second birthday I just can't get over how much she has changed.  From a child that by all accounts from her medical records say she shouldn't have lived she continues to defy and beat odds every day.  My daughter is amazing, stubborn, and wonderful.  I wouldn't have her any other way.