The great kindergarten war of 2012 and adoption update

It has been a bit crazy at the ranch recently.  As the post title says, yes we did have quite a blowout over Marvin's upcoming year. 

It started simply.  My in-laws started hinting that public kindergarten enrollment was soon upon us.  Did we need help getting Marvin on and off the bus? 

What?? 

I am a teacher at a really nice Montessori school.  We have a kindergarten program.  I am very fond of it.  Thanks, but no thanks. 

Then the pressure started to build.  Well meaning friends and family begin chiming in.  My husband started singing the praises of our public school system.  He suggested that since Marvin is in my class and I am the teacher it would be good if we were not so "entangled".  He also had many other reasons that I could write several other blog posts on.  Some were valid.  Some weren't.  I even got our pediatrician's advice on the matter.  She said that most private schools were in it for the money and would say just about anything to keep parents shelling out.  She said Marvin would be fine in public.  Let's just say after I got through with her I got a really nice apology from the doctor's office.

So I felt like I was the only one in the world who really wanted Marvin to stay put.  I was really upset.  I felt like Marvin was not ready yet.  It was really ugly and tense for a while.  Then I got support from a most unlikely person.  Marvin.  He started to speak up.  He told his grandma that he liked his school.  He told his daddy that mommy was the best teacher.  That he WAS going back.  That he needed to be with his crew.  He told me that there was no bus in his future. He wanted his green notebook, folder, and Ms. Tina.  That was simply that. 

Then I begin to gather my wits and stopped behaving like a hysterical twit and acted like the professional educator that I know I am.  I begin to present research, facts, stats, and my professional observations about our son.  I used the knowledge I had about meth kids and shaken baby.  I also did some honest research into our public school system.  It all boiled down to Marvin's needs and the fact that I am staying at my school until I retire or die. 

So a peace treaty was signed.  Marvin comes with me for his kindergarten year.  As in all wars there are concessions made.  I had to make certain agreements and concessions.  Now we have some family who are very upset that Marvin is staying on and they have no problems letting me know that I am ruining my child's life and that it is a very big mistake to keep him in an environment that he is obviously so happy and thriving in (insert eye roll here).  So I am weathering the storm.  They also point out that if we get a school age child that they will go to public and it would be easier to have Marvin there as well.  There are many other reasons and I am still quite steamed so I just remind myself to take deep breaths and remind myself that all will be well in the kingdom soon enough. 

That being said I do have some brief adoption updates.  All the social workers that we are dealing with have gone on tropical vacations and will be back next to never.  That being said we do have a lead on a little girl and a sibling group of two boys.  Both are very promising and even though it is way to early in the game to get excited I really am.  I have high hopes and prayers that one or the other will work out.  I will keep you posted. 

Have a great long weekend and safe travels to my family and friends! 

Life in the fast lane

The title about sums it all up for me.  It has been like living in pit row around here and it doesn't slow down.  At least not until after Memorial Day. 

Here are some of the highlights of life in general at Casa De La Fields. 

I am now blogging at Hopeful Parents once a month.  For those of you who don't know about it, it is a grassroots website dedicated to parents with special needs children.  I found out about them when we were adopting Marvin or somewhere thereafter.  It is a big deal to get to write for them and I am proud to be a contributor to their blog.

Mother's Day went off without a hitch.  Well sort of.  My sister-in-law still has a hard time with her situation.  I don't blame her.  My wonderful, amazing, caring, husband bought her flowers to make up for the fact that Brandon won't be able to this year.  I really have a keeper.  Marvin painted me magnets for the fridge and immediately demanded them back.  I said no and they are up high so he can't get at them.  I have also let go of a boatload of hostility that I felt toward Marvin's birth mom and I feel much better now.

Marvin is now five!!  Huzzah!!!  After ten days of fighting for his life at a hospital, grim future outlook on him, and boatloads of alphabet soup labels, my son sees, hears, bonds with others, runs, plays, talks back, drives me nuts, and I thank God for every last precious minute of it!  He got his barn and Shannon won tickets to the Dr. Seuss musical so we had a blast.  The downside is now I have this big play barn in our small home (yes mom you did tell me this would be a problem but it makes your grandson happy) and he delights in dragging it into places where I almost fall and break my leg on it. 

In other home front news Brandon is coming home.  Not to stay.  The jail has given him a pass to be home Memorial Day weekend.  The trade off is that he has to serve these three days in jail and it will tack on to the end of his sentence.  It is hard for our family, but darn it, Cole needs his daddy and my sister-in-law needs her husband.  This whole mess has just left us topsy-turvey.  My nephew just had his tonsils and adenoids out and tubes put in all at once.  His daddy should be there, not locked away.  I am just so mad about it all I could scream.  Or cry.  Possibly both.  If there is one lesson I learned it is mistakes will come back to haunt you so just confess and get it over with.  It is worse to pretend it never happened.  All darkness will have light shed on it eventually.  Better to put your flashlight on it than to have a big bright spotlight put on it by the public.  That is my home grown wisdom for the day. 

Oh yeah, the second adoption.  Well things are trudging along.  And I do mean trudging.  Slow slow slow.  We have some possibilities, but all the social workers in the world decided to go on break.  Yep.  I think they do it to annoy me.  It works.  Big time.  But I still am hoping for my miracle.  Or two.  We are looking at a sibling group.  Both boys.  The girls are all still under rocks somewhere.  In my perfect world we would hear something soon so I could have the summer months to get to know a new child.  That would be nice, but right now not a reality. 

So that about sums up where we are and what we are up to.  I am hoping to have some real breaking news on the adoption front to share soon, but for now it is all hurry up and wait.  The one thing that would be nice to move like pit row is more like a turtle with a big lead weight attached to its back.  But that tends to be the way life works.  Some things move fast and it is all I can do to keep up and some things drag and no matter how hard I push to move forward in this mess the system just refuses to be rushed.  I am holding on to hope that I will soon welcome another child into pit row.  But for now I have to be patient with going one lap at a time in our crazy every day life.

Where we are, Marvin's big day, and just catching up

Whew, 

I am tired after just writing the title=).  Where to begin?  I guess at the first part of where we are in the adoption process.  The answer to that is we are still nowhere. 

Are you surprised?  I am not.  Frustrated, but not surprised.  We do have some good news though.  At least I think it is good news.  Our teen social worker is now an official graduate and has been hired to work at Children's Home Society full time.  Yippee!!  That means as far as we know we get to keep her as far as I know.  That could still change, but I hope not.  I really do like her even when she is never around.  But that is most social workers so nothing new on that one. 

We were presented with another child that has a history of acting out sexually with younger children.  Three guesses to what I said to that one.  Really???  I have a little one in the home.  I asked his worker if she was smoking something.  In a nice way of course.  She thought he had improved, but I said that he wasn't getting a chance here.  She was genuinely upset and I probably have to cross New Hampshire off my list, but I will live. 

We are waiting to hear about two young boys.  One is here in VA and the other is in PA.  I had hoped to hear something this week but of course our social worker has decided to drop off the face of the planet for a week.  I have no idea why.  I am sure she is busy taking more time off.  I really hope when she is a full time employee that she has to work a few more hours.  I am thinking that she is graduating or doing some stuff for CHS, but one never knows.  It is really hard to be patient. 

On a real positive note our precious baby boy is about to turn five!  Wow.  I get really teary thinking about it.  He was just this little pudgy bundle when we first got him and now he is going to be a kindergartner.  Excuse me well I get a tissue.  O.K.  pulling it together here.  Marvin has been such a joy to our family.  I love being a mommy. 

Last year we had his first party.  We went to the Ashland Berry Farm and picked strawberries.  Marvin had wanted a Gator and we did a party.  After the party he asked why he didn't get his Gator.  Try explaining a budget to a new four year old.  It didn't work.  So this year when I asked him what he wanted he told me he wanted a toy barn for his tractors.  Not just a plastic piece of junk.  We have gone through two of those.  He showed me what he wanted.  A really nice "heirloom quality" barn.  According to the ad.  All I saw was price.  Really.  So I talked to Shannon about it.  He said Marvin could have a party or a big red barn.  So we went back and forth.  The decision we made was the right one.  We bought the farm.  Here are some pics of it. 

This thing is huge!  Marvin has not stopped playing with it.  It is empty now but we plan on getting some farm stuff to go with it.  Like animals and a few people.  Marvin has drug this thing everywhere except the bathtub.  I have to draw the line somewhere. 

So now we are officially just going to have his VA grandparents and his cousin Cole and aunt for a little meal and playtime.  I am kind of sad.  I wanted to give him a little party, but sometimes the god of budget just says no.  Plus Marvin has not said one peep about a party so I am guessing that it is not going to bother him one bit.  Just me, but I will get over it. 

Other than that, life goes on.  I have finished up conferences for another year, Shannon is working like crazy, I am working like crazy, and we have finally decided about Marvin's kindergarten year.  But that is another post all together.  Life continues and I just can't put it on hold for adoption.  We have too much happening.  Like my little garden, two big school functions, and a crazy rabbit.  It is a crazy busy life and I wouldn't change it for the world!

Back in the swing of things

I know, I know.....   Bad blogger, where fort art thy posts?   

I do have some good reasons=), really!  First my parents came to visit from Colorado and I took time to spend it with them and  do the whole family bonding thing.  I love it when they come.  They live so darn far away that I spend every minute I can with them when they are here. 

Here they are!  (Sorry mom did I mention I was going to do this=)?)  Anyway, it was a great time.  We did a ton of house work.  I now have a beautiful blue kitchen with crisp white curtains, a towel bar that is firmly inserted in my bathroom wall, and a garden complete with strawberry plants and hopefully rhubarb.  We did get out and do some fun stuff as well.  This is at the canal walk in Richmond. 

I have also been typing parent teacher conferences.  They are hard for me to do.  You would think I would have the hang of it by now, but I really don't.  So I have spent so much time writing the darn things that the last thing I want to do is get on the computer and write more.  But it is time for a much needed update so here I am. 

We have gone through the normal and expected loss process associated with a pre-adoption break up.  Our teen social worker is coming to grips with it as well.  She has her hand full with us as you will soon see.  So I was feeling crappy and I went to AdoptUsKids and checked out my inbox.  I had several flags.  What???  Flags are messages that social workers are waiting for you.  Who me?  Yes.  So I quickly sent out homestudies to the appropriate people.  The first one we said no to.  He had a history of hurting small children and animals.  That one I didn't feel bad about.  The second two are more promising.  Our homestudies are being considered for both children.  One I am pretty sure will be a no go as there are probably fifty plus submitted for him.  That is like finding a needle in a haystack.  The other is more promising.  So we are waiting to see. 

The reason why we are causing our social worker angst is that we are, get this, considering out of state children (gasp).  Apparently we are doing something terribly taboo here.  Her thing is that our agency hasn't done an out of state placement in 5 years.  Most states only want to adopt to people in their own state.  Hold the pony here.  I mistakenly thought that the goal was to adopt the kids to parents.  Now, I understand if they have siblings and are split up and want to remain close to them.  That I get.  But really???  That is discrimination plain and simple just because I live in Virginia I can only adopt a child from Virginia????  So I e-mailed back and asked if this was a problem.  She just said that we should think about adopting close to our home.  I sent her back an e-mail that my HOME is not releasing any children now.  Plus to me Virginia is nice and all, but my heart is in New England.  I love that area.  I lived there six years and would love to move back some day.  Not to mention growing up in the mid-west.  So I am a person who has lived in many places.  Home is where your family is.  My family is in Virginia and Colorado.  So those places are my home.  I sublease in other states, haha.  So now that we have bucked the "traditional" system we are making our worker's life more interesting.  She is being nice about it, but I think she will be glad to graduate and get rid of us soon=).  I just keep reminding myself that she loves Marvin and I take lots of deep breaths before I respond to her e-mails. 

So that is where we stand now.  I hope to have some news in these next couple of weeks on our progress.  I am back in the fight now and have come out swinging.  Look out world here I come!!!

I'm a Hopeful Parent

So we have been a bit down around here but are slowly moving on with the everyday.  I can't dwell in tomorrow I can only live out today. 

I have gone back to kid shopping.  It seems that every time I find a child it is being placed, can't be places, or the parents are fighting the termination of their rights so the child is not available.  But I keep slogging on hoping that somewhere out there we have a match.  Plus I found out that our teen social worker is graduating in May.  She wrote us a Dear John e-mail stating that, "As you know I graduate in May and will be leaving Children's Home Society in June.  I will be handing you over to another social work who I am sure will want to meet with you blah blah blah."  Say what???   No I did not know that you were ditching us.  Geez.  So that will be a real pain in the butt.  She never told us about this.  If I would have known I would have requested another social worker.  Not that I don't like ours but we had this happen during our first adoption and it was a real mess to lose our worker.  So I am not pleased. 

But despite setbacks and social worker drama we march on.  I have my parents from Colorado in for ten days.  They are excited to spend time with their perfect grandchild (they used to like me too, but now it is all about Marvin) and spoil him rotten.  We have some fun family plans and as I write this I am happily boiling eggs to dye later on today.  Marvin is excited about Easter and is demanding gum in his basket.  I am happy to oblige.  I also got him some really cool educational materials for his basket.  Don't look at me like that.  He really loves to learn and isn't in to candy.  I am going to make the most of it while I can=). 

I also picked up another blog gig hence the catchy title of my post.  When Marvin first came to live with us I felt very isolated and alone and just downright scared.  So I found a community of people who shared my fear, hopes, and dreams for a better life for our kids.  It is called hopeful parents and I am a proud member of it.  I have been asked to blog for them once a month.  It is a big deal. Lots of people read the blog and the bloggers are very real.  I am honored and really excited to get a chance to blog for them.  So look for me on the 12th monthly over there.  And check out the other bloggers.  I have had chances to reach out and not only be a Hopeful Parent, but a friend.  Which is what we all really need at the end of the day. 

Have a great Easter! 

The choice we made

So when we last left off we had been presented with a child.  After long nights of debate, talking to social workers, family, the pet rabbit, reading the information, weighing the information, talking to more social workers and loosing a lot of sleep in general we made a choice. 

It wasn't an easy choice.  We had to say no.  It was a mutual break up like in dating when everybody agrees that it is no one's fault and best to part ways but you still feel really crappy anyway.  Shannon asked that I not blog about some of the reasons we discussed and I am good about that.  What I have told people is that this young man is happy and thriving where he is now.  He may have had a really hard time with a nearly five year old underfoot and feeling like he needed to compete for attention.  We (Shannon and I) lacked resources to make this a successful transition for him and we live far away from his friends and girlfriend and brother and sister.  He has so little family that every member is precious and dear to him.  Moving him away could be more harmful than helpful. 

So I have kind of been off sulking and licking my wounds.  In adoption you never know if you made the right choice or wrong one.  My mom assures me it is.  I am sure she is right too, moms usually are.  Plus the really good thing that I keep telling myself is that he has people who love him and surprisingly, are fighting so hard to keep him where he is now.  And it is a good place.  And he is a good kid.  I wish him love, happiness, and joy throughout his life.  But now it is time for me to let go and move on.  Easier said than done.  I am just a bleeding heart and wish I could keep them all.

One of the good things that came out of this is that Shannon, who had been quiet for so long (he usually is, Marvin and I are such talkers he is lucky to get a word in edgewise) spoke up and out for what he wants.  For those of you who know my husband this is a rare event.  When I ask what he wants or what he would like he is pretty much "It doesn't matter honey."  or "Whatever you want" or the one that irks the crap out of me the most "I don't care.".  Well glory be, I got an opinion out of the man=).  We were able to define what is going to work for us, age range, and gender.  The logical conclusions will save us a lot of heartache in the future.  I have an idea of what to look for now. 

So now we are ready to move on.  Sort of.  It takes me a little time to rebound after these things.  I haven't even looked at Adopt Us Kids for a week.  Shocker.  But I still believe that there is a child out there for us.  Or children.  It may take us time to find him, her, or them but I still have faith that the time will come when it will be time to fix up the guest room for a permanent occupant.  I hold on to faith and hope as I march forward in everyday life and focus on my everyday blessings.

So the dance begins

So we have some news......  Yes, we have finally heard from our teen social worker.  She has been in contact with another social worker from another agency.  We have been presented with our first child. 

I was very excited and extremely nervous when I saw the e-mail.  This is big stuff.  Life changing. 

Our social worker did a good job.  She was able to balance the pros and the cons of this young man without being too scary or too "he is just perfect" about this young man.  Yes, he is a young man.  Fifteen to be precise.  And yes, I know 15 is not young.  I may teach little kids all day long but I am very well aware of how old 15 is. 

It is not his fault he is 15 and not adopted.  There were a lot of roadblocks in his way.  The big one right now is that where he is at is not supportive of his adoption.  I am sure they have many (stupid) reasons (that are probably stupid).  We had this problem the first time around.  The good news is that his social worker, adoption advocate, and the young man himself are all excited about adoption. 

I can't say too much about him and his history.  Even though I am pretty open on the blog there are lines that I won't even cross.  There is nothing as horrible in his closet as there is in Marvin's, but since he is still in the system and has not been adopted yet I need to honor his privacy. 

But here are some things I can tell you.  He is an avid reader, loves to take pictures, and wants to be adopted.  Don't get me wrong.  He's not perfect.  He has a few special needs and quirks.  But don't we all. 

So now we will take the next few days and really think this out.  It is a big decision.  Shannon and I will be praying and talking it out.  It will mean some drastic changes in our lives.  In the end we will have a choice to make.  We will have to choose what works for our family.  It may be a fit and it may not be a fit.  It will take time.  Because once we choose a path we have to plan on following it no matter how rocky or hard it gets.  That's what being a family is all about.