After a longer than normal pause........

“When you feel the pressure to respond.. know that it’s not the right moment to respond.. pull back and pause, reflect, re-think"-Jaya Bhateja

It has been a while.  I kept telling myself that today I write something.  That today kept getting pushed back over and over.  

Honestly, my heart hasn't been in it, and after losing Cary Lynn part of my voice died that day as well.  I know that sounds incredibly melodramatic, but it's true.  She was a tiny human, but she made a big impact.  

She still lives on.  In the organ donations, the speeches I give about her impact at local organizations, and in a nifty article in the Journal of Pediatric Ethics. Also, she is part of the Born Able book series. She is enjoying a highly active afterlife, which I believe suits her just fine.  

As for the rest of us, life has never slowed down.  I think it was a well-meaning, but mistaken assumption that things would be "quieter" after my daughter passed and that I would get my well-deserved parental rest, sitting quietly on the sofa eating bon bons and watching bad reality shows. 

With another medically complex kid in the home, my own health issues, two dogs, a husband who changed jobs, and no health insurance for a month while things flip over, and my advocacy work I think I am just as busy now as I was before.  If not more so.  I have told my husband at this point I will rest when I am dead.  With my luck, someone will track me down in a seance and remind me that I left that load of laundry in the washing machine and what should we eat for dinner.  

Anyway, I think life will always be busy for me.  When self-care is mentioned by my medical team I snort and ask when they are going to come to my house and take care of things so I can do this mythical ritual that they speak of.  Although not having insurance this month has been great, because they can't bug me so maybe I will consider that my self-care moment.  

I'm going to try to get back into writing more.  A good friend and I talked about it and I realized about a week ago how much I miss it and how many things have happened in the needed pause.  Thanks for being patient with me while I pause.  Hug your family tight too.  Tomorrow is never promised.