My Family

My Family

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Cerebral Palsy days and nights

Back in the days when I was in the working world I had many different kinds of bosses.  I had fun ones, quiet ones, ones that liked to pretend that they were in charge but the assistant director really ran the show. All types.  

Sometimes it was hard.  It felt like even though I was competent and could do things I got micromanaged.  I had bosses who loved to rearrange my classroom.  Who told me how to do things.  Who left me feeling so micromanaged that I sometimes felt that they doubted I was a competent human being.  It was frustrating, upsetting, and most of all humiliating.  If there is one thing I hate it is to be micromanaged.  It kills me.

I would get angry, go home, vent to my poor husband, and get over it.  I can honestly say in retrospect I didn't handle things too well.  I probably brought some (all right a good bit) on myself.  I don't like confrontation and I want everyone to hold hands and sing.  Well all that can get you in the end is steamrolled. So I buried it all inside and pretended it didn't matter when it really did.

Cerebral Palsy is a lot like that.  Except it never goes away.  You can't go home at 5pm and leave it at the door.  You can't quit it.  You live it 24/7.

It micromanages you.  It tells you what to do, it strips you of your dignity, makes you appear incompetent, weak, and then if that is not enough fills you with pain.

Some days are better.  Some days you are able to laugh, play, and do so much.  You feel good.  Some days you hurt, can't get out of bed, and just want the world to go away.  These days are hard.
Cary Lynn's micro manager doesn't care if she wants to do things or go someplace.  It doesn't care if she wants to sleep or play.  It even takes away her voice.

But Cary Lynn is a fighter.  She basically tells her CP that it can take a long walk off a short cliff.  She doesn't take crap from it.  Sure, it isn't always a bowl of cherries but she has learned that she is stronger than CP.
Even on days when we are sick, hurting, and just don't feel good she can always turn the charm and smiles on.  She shows me that you can always be stronger than circumstances around you.  That you can be happy even when things aren't going the way you want them to.  That you can still have dignity even when your body tries to betray you.

I love to teach my children.  But in the end they always end up teaching me more than I even will teach them. I am a stronger better person because of them.  One who now no longer is silent when things aren't working. I still have to finesse how I go about responding to situations, but I would rather be real than smothered. Cary Lynn is a warrior and I am proud to be a mama to a little girl who shows the world that you can be fierce despite CP.

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