Trauma Woes

I admit it, I hate trauma.

It colors everything you do and tips your world upside down.  It takes your soul and leaves it battered and scarred.

Last week Marvin had a huge trigger episode.  Normally we know when they are coming and can head them off at the pass.  This time it snuck up on us like a thief in the night.

We were getting ready for bed.  The rage came without warning and we lost our happy little boy.  For about an hour,  He was so angry and discombobulated.  All we could do is hold him tight, rock and soothe him.  We called his therapist at 8pm.  We racked our brains afterwards.  We couldn't think of anything.  I cried all night long.  I cried because it isn't fair.  I cried because it isn't right.  I cried because once again my child had a memory trigger and had to relive horrific abuse.

Normally he bounces back.  This time has been different.  He and I spent the weekend sick on the sofa.  This week he has clung to me.  I can't even go to the bathroom without him hanging outside the door.  I realize as a mom that you give up the right to pee privately anyway, but still this has been different.

We realize that he has a lot going on.  We have a once in a lifetime trip to Disney coming up!  While most kids are over the moon the trauma child's voice echos "Will I be safe?  Will you take care of me?"  He will be excited once we get there and he gets involved.  I know my boy.  But right now it is one anxiety after another.  Will there be bathrooms?  What if there are bad people there?  What if something happens to our car?  What if a shark eats us on the way down?  Even the silly becomes something to be feared.

I have to remind myself how far he's come when things go bad.  I remember when it used to be a struggle to get him to preschool.  How when we got there he spent some days unhappy and the car rides home screaming that he was never going back.  It took a lot of work and therapy to discover that he didn't like that I was the teacher and leader and when he misbehaved guess who he got sent to? Now mind you I'm not a horrible person.  Most kids enjoyed having extra teacher time.  We put a few works back on the shelf, rolled some rugs, looked at a book.  Come on, this is some serious individualized attention.  I swear I had one child who made it their mission to see me everyday:).  But for Marvin it was more of an issue. For him it was the fact that he was "in trouble" with mom.  And moms aren't safe people.  They hurt their children.  Over and over again.  If I could go back and have a do over I would have insisted that we did it differently.  But I didn't know.  So we muddled through the best we could.

Now he enjoys school.  And he realizes that yes, mom gets flustered, but mom is safe.  Mom cuddles, tussles, plays, and most of all loves her kids.  With all her being.

But to be hit with this storm last week was hard.  It was watching everything I worked so hard for be unravelled right in front of my eyes.  His therapist called it pre-verbal trauma.  In a nutshell something happened to Marvin when he was a tiny bean that was so horrifically bad that it was repressed until now.  We did everything right.  We met him at the level he was at.  What hurts is that whatever demon it was may be back again.

So this week I feel like I've been on eggshells.  I've kept my voice quieter.  Sharp words that form on my tongue have been stifled.  Lots of cuddles, hugs, books, songs, and whispers.  Whispers that say, you are safe.  You are loved.  Nothing is going to happen to you.

He's finally coming around and I feel like I've battled a tiger.  And I'm not quite sure who won.  But I know this.  Marvin is safe, he is loved so very much.  And if he can't believe it right now I'll just believe harder for the two of us.  Because I'm his mom and his sanctuary.  And I also know that he's a survivor.  And whatever the trauma or the storm we will meet it head on and together.

Invisible Solider

Dear Solider,

The other day I saw you at the grocery store.  You were chasing your little one around.  A lot.  You looked tired.

"Travis, put that down!!" "Travis stand still!" "Travis stay here!!!"

Then you turned your back to load your groceries and Travis came up to me.  He held his hands up to me and gave me a hug.  Then he proceeded to load ALL the Hershey Bars in my shopping cart (that's a boy after my own heart).  You turned around looking panicked and opened your mouth to yell, but I stopped you.  "He's here!"

You came over looking frazzled and not really in the happy shopping spirit.  You opened your mouth to apologize to me.  But then you heard laughter and turned around to see your son tickling my daughter.  In her wheelchair.  Two children.  One with Cerebral Palsy and one with Down Syndrome. Your frown turned into a smile as you recognized another invisible solider.  We chatted and laughed about our kids and you took your son home.  I unloaded all the chocolate and checked out.  Your son brought a smile to my face the rest of the day.

You see, not all soldiers are stationed far away.  There are many you see every day.  We don't fight with gun and grenades.  We are your neighbor or even a member of your family.  We keep in the shadows so we can fight for the most important thing in our lives.  Our children.

We fight our own enemies.  We fight insurance, doctors, therapists, and supply companies.  We fight so our children have access to all they need to help them grow and thrive.  Somedays we even fight the world so they can see how wonderful and amazing we know our children are.

We stand with our troops.  When one of them takes a hit we gather around them.  We offer encouragement, resources, and most of all we pour our hearts and strength  into them so they can stand once again.  We are there for each other.

Here's to you my troops and my friends.  You have helped me make it through many battles this year and without you I may have been taken prisoner by the enemy of despair.  We have fought long and hard together and I am proud to stand and serve by you all.  May your days be full of hope and victories and your losses be few.  Know that I am there ready and willing and able to battle with you.

Happy ThanksLiving!

When I was younger I had my life mapped out.  Especially my Norman Rockwell holidays.

I would be sitting at the table beaming with pride over my five children in matching holiday attire. They would be sitting (two boys three girls) down with my husband in his tie looking on in anticipation over the golden turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and other holiday appropriate festive items.

Last week reality collided once again as I sat in a gi office with my son and listened to childhood IBS.  Gluten, lactose, and fructose intolerance.  Yippee. Seems like his bio fam has a lot of gi issues.

It also hit hard the week before when an independent feeding therapist re-evaluated my daughter and brought up concerns on her oral eating.  They told me I needed to primarily use her g-tube for now and offer her oral feeds but keep a close eye on it.  Aspiration is scary business.

Both kids also seem to have a knack for saying "Hey, it's the holidays, let's contract the plague!!!"  So I've had two sick kiddos on my hands.  It's enough to drive anyone bats.  Or make you want to run screaming for a one way ticket to someplace more peaceful.  Like say, Beirut.

And a couple of years ago it probably would have bugged me more.  Lots more.  I really wanted things to be so much different.  But the reality is that unless you are a TV show, sappy holiday movie, or a very good book things very rarely wrap up neatly with a bow.

When we were growing up we often went to my grandparents for the holidays.  My sister and I sat in the back seat and tried to kill each other while mom and dad weren't looking.  We also probably drove them crazy.  Then we stayed in hotels and I had to share a bed with my sister which also resulted in us trying to kill each other.  I can't imagine my mom thinking that this was just how she wanted to spend time making memories.

But despite it all I'm so thankful.  My life will never be Norman Rockwell and frankly I'm not sure that I want it that way.  My life is a whirlwind of doctors, therapists, learning to make special dietary items, tube and med bolusus.

My life is also filled with joy.  For years I wanted children.  I begged for them, I miscarried them. Holidays just hurt so much.  My two children came from broken places and made my heart whole again.  They filled empty spots in my life and made me a mama!

For two abandoned and abused children they have no visions of what holidays should be like.  Right now Marvin is happily playing with cars while sipping ginger ale and my poor little girl is knocked out cold sleeping in her dah's arms after a night of pain and crying.  For them life is pretty good right now.  They are safe, loved, and despite having the plague, pretty darn content!

I've learned to be thankful because no matter what life throws at me, I've learned to adapt.  I borrowed my post title from a sermon series.  But for me it's more than a series.  It's a way of life that I am making a choice to live.  I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be.  I'd rather be real.  But I'm proud of what our family is and what we have fought against.  Of the inch stones we have celebrated. Of victories won, lost, and called a draw.

We still have a long way to go.  But no matter what my family is living proof that sometimes all you need is each other (and a good gluten free sugar cookie recipe, I can honestly say that this last batch isn't that swell) and lots of love.  So hold on tight to that.

Thank you too for following our journey.  You guys have been an amazing support to us as well.  I hope that you and your family find your own ThnksLiving.  

Broken and Beautiful

"A broken soul is not the absence of beauty, but a cracked and torn soul reeks of the sweet incense it contains.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

I love that quote.  It's almost like you have to be broken to see what you are made of.  

This last week I watched my son be broken again.  I didn't plan on it happening.  It wasn't on my calender of events or to do list, but it happened.  

It started out with a visit for some services.  I try not to discuss my children's needs in front of them. Especially Marvin.  Not because I go out of my way to hide them, but when you have anxiety issues you have to be careful on how they are revealed and unfolded before them.  So I made a list with all of his current diagnoses.  The list grows and grows.  Sigh.  

So we went in and sat down, I gave my nice polite speech about how I don't talk about all these things and handed the woman the list.  Marvin plays happily.  But soon the play stops.  The woman reads the list aloud.  She insists that we do it this way.  Did you ever watch a piece of your child die in front of you?  We made it through the appointment and into the car.  My normally happy bubbly son was quiet.  He looked out the window and the tears streamed down his face.  

"Son?  Are you OK?  Do you want to talk to mama about it?"  

"Why, mama, why me?  Why did God put me together this way?"

I managed to hold it together until we got home and then I cried for the rest of the afternoon.  

The next day as we sit in another office the topic turns to Marvin's biological family and the abuse he went through.  He is still trying to process this.  He still thinks that he somehow deserves the abuse that happened to him.  Once again my child is broken.  

What Marvin doesn't see yet is that he is amazing.  He idolizes Shannon and me but I idolize him.  He is my hero.  He is proof that you can live through all of the crap that he did and get a million different labels and and still be amazing.  That you can be beautiful in your brokenness.  

I hope some day that he understands that even though he was "put together this way" not by a divine hand by by broken people that he will know just how wonderful and strong he is.  But until that day comes I'll be there.  I'll be there to meet him where he is, comfort his aching heart, and help him make beauty from brokenness.  

National Adoption Month

I bet you can guess what subject is near and dear to my heart and my life:).

I know every month has 8 million awareness causes.  November is also national novel writing month (because I know you are dying to know that).  But I am not planning on writing a novel (yet) so let me get back on topic.

If you follow my blog you know I'm adopted.  When I was dating my husband I made a point of telling him I wanted to adopt.  His response, "no problem".  But he wanted to try having our own kids first.

Well the years passed.  So did the miscarriages.  I watched other people around me get pregnant and have families.  It was hard.  So I broached the subject of adoption again.  This time I got the green light.

So I did the research.  I was all ready to hop a plane and fly to a foreign country to get a baby.  But then I looked at the cost.  It was staggering.  My every practical husband suggested that we "adopt local".  So we did.

It wasn't easy.  It took three long years and lots of broken hearts.  Long nights and days of crying. But then Marvin came home to us.

He was 18 months old and had special needs.  But looking at him made those three years worth it.  So very worth it.

So the years passed.  We still felt that our family wasn't complete.  So we went through another couple of years of paper slogging.  And then Cary Lynn came home.

It hasn't been easy.  Choosing to adopt can be a challenge in itself.  Taking a leap of giant faith and adopting two children with massive special needs has added to the challenge.

But it has been an amazing journey.  The bumps in the road have made me a stronger person.  These two little people took my world and turned it upside down.  They are my all and my everything.  My heroes.  They have made me the person I am today.  

But right now there is a growing need.  There are over 397,000 children in the US who are living without permanent families.  Out of those 101,666 are legally free for adoption.  But nearly 32% of these children will wait 3 or more years for a mama to bake cookies with them and a daddy who will tuck them in at night.  Every child needs a place to belong.  There is NO such thing as unadoptable.

Children are our hope and future.  Children who age out of the system are more likely to NOT finish school, end up in jail, and even worse repeat the same cycles that they lived through.  That is not OK. They deserve more. Adoption is a powerful way to bring permanence to a child's life and to let them know that they do matter.  

So this month whether you choose to celebrate national novel writing month, tree awareness week, world vegan day, or national maintenance week keep in mind that there are so many waiting children who want nothing more than to celebrate these special times with family.

It's not an easy road to take, but it is one of the most incredible journeys and rewarding experiences that you will ever have.  Trust me on this one.

Cary Lynn is Three!

Wow!

Just yesterday a nine month old with a cardboard box came to my house.  She came with clothes that didn't fit, and broken toys.  I stood holding her and basking in the thrill of my new little one.

She tipped my world upside down.  She has defied odds, cheated death, and has blossomed in our Topsy turvy household.

Cary Lynn has shown me how to be brave and because of her I have become a stronger mother and advocate.  I had to give up so much but have gotten infinitely more back.

Happy Birthday my little warrior!  Mama loves you more than you ever will know.

I'm still here!

It's been a busy time and we're moving into an even busier season!  I'll try to provide a quick update and do a better longer post soon!

We've all been busy.  But I had to take a break from the busyness to take care of myself.  I have been sick.  For about three years.  I finally got worn down enough to visit the doctor.  The good news according to them is that I don't have parasites.  Yay, I think.  The bad news is I have IBS.  The doctor wasn't overly helpful so I went to a dietitian and viola!  A few simple diet changes and this mama is ready to roll once again!  I'll always have IBS, I just need to manage it more than it manages me!

Marvin continues to rock out his new school!  I only wish I would have put him in private a long time ago.

 Ever the cheese ball, he is happy again.  And I'm so glad to see that smile:).

Cary Lynn was baptized a few weeks ago.

Here we are pre-dunk:).  Marvin tried to explain what was going to happen but she just made spit bubbles, lol.  

Here is one after the baptism.  We clean up pretty nice around here;)

I also decided to have a little party for her.  So there was an awesome cake done by our local cake lady!  If anyone wants to have her do one I promise you won't be disappointed and I will pass on her info to you!  

Cary Lynn loved the cake and spent time happily smashing it and eating frosting!  Not bad for a kid who isn't a great oral eater!!

Yummy!   Then there was lots of snuggles with grandpa and grandma who came to visit.  

Gee, she didn't get spoiled at all did she:)?  

So that is where we are now.  Hopefully I can sit down for a bit and get a longer post out.  I have a lot to say but it has been a zoo around here!  I just wanted to shout out that we haven't dropped off the face of the earth yet:)!