My Family

My Family

Thursday, January 3, 2013

A Time to Mourn A Time to Dance

First of all, Happy New Year!!!  We, being the party animals we are, fell asleep at 9:30.   That's what happens when you have two little children.  On the bright side, I was up at the crack of dawn on New Years Day giving Cary extra kisses.  She had no idea what was going on, but enjoyed her yogurt without any trouble.  Marvin got up and demanded TV.  I told him the TV got a break on New Year's Day.  You can imagine how well that went over.

Anyway, it has been a bit bumpy but life is settling down to its usual rhythms and routines.  I was able to take some time and reflect on the year and the roller coaster ride called adoption.  There have been many times when I wanted to scream, shout, and throw up.  There have also been some amazing highs.  I have set aside some goals for next year as well.  Resolutions you keep for about two weeks while you walk around pretending to be a martyr.  "Oh, I am on my new diet and I only sip water and eat celery."  By the time you have made it past two weeks, you are wolfing down ho hos like your life depends on it and you cleverly change the subject or pretend to loose a contact lens  when someone asks you how it is going.  I like goals.  You don't have to eat celery unless you really want to and it is something you strive to be better at.  No one gets mad if you loose your path and did I mention no celery?

Goal #1-  To mourn when I need to.  I have a bad habit.  I shove it all down, pretend it is O.K. and then when someone leaves to toilet seat up, I loose it (after I fall in as I didn't look).  So when Cary has bad news at the doctor, when I get upset because the therapist doesn't show up again, or when I look at "normal" kids and realize that mine won't ever be like that I will be upset.  Not forever, but enough to get it out of my system.  My PT told me that parents who adopt don't grieve over their children's handicaps like a biological parent would.  We accept our child's limits and strive to improve them.  She is wrong.  I grieve.  I grieve in ways that most people won't understand unless they have a differently abled child.  But after the grief their is always the joy that these children bring.  Cary and Marvin are blessings.  My blessings.  They give me a new perspective on life, make me laugh, frustrate me, and above all inspire me to be a better person.

Goal #2- Get a life!  Yes, I have no life.  I don't go out and want to go to bed at 9 every night.  Can you say looser ville?  Anyway, I don't need a hot social scene, but some grown up time would be much appreciated.  I also need to find people to bully me into doing it.  My husband is great at guilting me into it.  I feel like a rotten parent if I leave my kids for a nanosecond, but after I do I feel much better.  I did not realize how much my job fulfilled my social outlet until I became a stay at home mom.  So now it is up to me to find new ways to meet people.  I am going to join a mommy group and force myself to meet new people.  I am also going to try a bit harder to get out with the people I do know.

Goal #3- Get Creative.  I have about a zillion scrapbook supplies gathering dust.  I love to scrapbook, but lately find myself avoiding it as I am too tired, too busy, too something.  There is always a reason, but never a good one.  I am happiest when I am creating so it's time to break out the Cricut and bust the dust.  I will make time.  I have albums in bad need of updating and attention, cards I can be making, and all sorts of projects.  I have ideas brewing and projects that I am itching to try.  Plus having a way to express myself, just makes me a happier person.

I think I am off to a pretty good start.  These goals are obtainable.  They are doable.  I think they will go a long way to help improve things.  They won't bring world peace, but they will bring me towards peace in my world.

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