Forgiveness is never easy. It often takes time for the pain and sting of the event to die down before I am willing to forgive. Even when I think I have forgiven and let it go sometimes anger over the event gets the best of me and I realize that I only thought I had forgiven and gotten past the event.
Recently Marvin has been having flashbacks. A lot of children who are adopted with a history of abuse are diagnosed with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. This is brought on by a chain of abuse and neglect which basically make it really hard on them and those who love them.
To this day I don't understand why Marvin's bio mom exposed him to drugs in utero. I don't understand why she shook him so hard that he nearly died. I don't understand why she didn't seek medical help when he went unconscious. I probably never will.
All I know is that it took me a very long time not to out and out hate her. It became easier over time and now I just feel sorry for her. I am sorry that she won't get to see Marvin grow up. I am sorry that she won't get to see what a neat person he is becoming. I am sorry that she had a horrible childhood and had to live in foster care. I am sorry that she didn't know what to do.
With the slow demise of my anger came the realization that I could forgive her. Not only that but the bigger surprise that I could actually hope and pray for her to get well. I hope that she gets her life back on track for the sake of her children. For the family that she has left.
One day Marvin will know his history and the circumstances that led him to be part of our family. I hope that he will be able to forgive also. It takes a special kind of strength to do so, but it is so worth doing. It is how we heal and move on in this crazy ride we call life.