I can honestly say I don't even know how to write this post. It is not like it is top secret and I've vowed to be honest in all my blogging, but this one leaves me a bit uncomfortable. It shows that I am not super mom.
Let me back up a bit. It started several moths ago. Cary and I were working with her PT and she started asking me about my last job. I got all teary because I truly truly missed it. Then she started asking about my getting out. Huh? What is that? O.K. she said, how about reading a book or doing your hobbies? When do you spend time with your son and husband? I was getting annoyed and asked if this was 20 questions or something. After all, Cary needed me. She didn't have anyone and she needed me. Very quietly the PT said, "Others need you to. You will burn out and loose touch with who you are and your purpose and the people you love will drift away from you." Well that didn't sound super appealing so I asked her what I was supposed to do, ship Cary off?
PT suggested a medical aid for Cary. She said that Cary has and will have great needs all her life. A medical aid could come to your home, help you take Cary to appointments, and give you some time for your family and yourself. I briefly toyed with the idea, but dismissed it. I could handle this. I didn't need a life.
Flash forward about a month later. I am at the GI doctors. It is pouring rain and I have to park a long way away from the door. I have to take Cary, her giant binder o' medical records, her diaper bag, her medical equipment for a check, extra blankets, and my purse. I not only could not carry it all in at once we were all soaked to the skin by the time I had managed it. I remembered the conversation with PT and thought, "Gee, I could have pulled up to the door, someone could have unloaded Cary and her stuff and took her in instead of us both looking like drowned rats and sneezing and shivering."
So when PT came I took a breath and asked for help. She smiled and gave me a hug and some numbers. I wish I could say that was when everything magically fell into place. But it took some more time. It took more people coming to my home and declaring my daughter handicapped, it took paper work, and then more people and paperwork. But soon things fell into place and I was told I could seek help.
But by then things had calmed down some and I thought maybe I could do it. But soon Cary had more medical complications present. Then I noticed that I was tired at the end of the day. After you spend hours doing therapies, feeding, going to doctors, and just trying to keep up with all of Cary's records your day is shot. I was tired, irritable, and just didn't have energy for Marvin or Shannon. All I wanted to do was sleep. Weekends were easier because Shannon was home and I got help and a reprieve. So I caved. I decided that I would give it a try.
So I started looking. It was hard. This stranger would come into my home. I felt really weird about it. But then I reminded myself that having help would make my life better. Heck, I might even remember what a life was. Then I met her. Our new aid.
She came on a cold night. She sat in our living room and in minutes we were talking and laughing like we knew each other for a long time. So I hired her (after I ran through her references with a fine tooth comb). She has been here for a week and it has been pretty good so far.
I had several doctor appointments this week. She hauled stuff for me. It felt weird just taking Cary in a stroller with nothing extra. She helped me bounce Cary when she was fussy, which was alot this week. She sat in on therapies and fed Cary. She played and worked with Cary. At first it was kind of weird, but as I cleaned my house and did paperwork it felt kind of nice too. I wasn't worried that Cary was breathing funny, choking, or getting hurt. I even went grocery shopping all by myself. It is hard hauling Cary's extra stuff and it can take up cart space. Today my cart was filled with food.
I also felt funny about taking her to my appointments, like they would think that I was a bad mommy because I couldn't do it alone. But the doctors have been very excited about her. One said that she had wanted to say something because she saw me struggling with all of Cary's stuff, but she was worried I would have taken it wrong. All of them have stated that Cary is a medically complex and fragile child. The more people to love and work with her the better her chances are.
So I am not superhuman. I am me. I am the best me that I can be. For this season in our lives Cary needs more and I need to provide her with it. Her medical needs continue to change and it seems like we find more problems lately than solutions. So I am accepting that I can't do it all alone anymore. Not easy for a control freak like myself.
But this week was an eye opener. I spent more time with Shannon and Marvin. I feel less tired. I am getting things done around the house so it doesn't appear on an episode of Hoarders. I am starting to feel more like me again. Ironically, in giving up control and accepting help I actually have more control of how things are going in my life. And that is a pretty good feeling.