On to the next event!

Hello, 

I am still here believe it or not!  I have just been very busy doing the wonder woman bit and all.  Between my job, husband, child, and house I am lucky I have time to draw a breath! 

But I know many of you are wondering where we are in the process.  As explained in a previous post we are in the waiting phase.  I expect to be there quite a bit.  In all honesty I am really O.K. with that.  Unlike last time where Shannon and I had no children and I spent considerable amounts of time stalking social workers, demanding results, and being a general pest.  

This time around I have Marvin to consider.  We have been spending lots of special time with him, explaining the changes that will occur, and trying to wrap our brains around having another little person in the household.  Right now he is in the excited phase.  He wants to have a sibling.  Marvin thinks it will be cake, rainbows, and daily parties.  I am not going to spoil the delusion.  But having gotten a sibling myself around four it was a BIG change.  I loved it, but at times I wished to sell my sister to the zoo (I still do, but that may never change=) ). 

We are waiting to hear back from social workers about matches.   Since race has been taken off the plate our chances are better for getting a younger child.  So we wait. And while we wait we hope and pray and keep busy waiting for the call that all adoptive parents long to hear.  The call that a match has been located and that it is time to move out of the waiting box and into action.

The journey begins!

We have finally finished everything!  The paperwork is done and we are on to the next phase in the journey.  More waiting =)! 

But if I have learned anything from adoption 101 the first time around it is to always expect the unexpected.  A social worker has found us.  She has brought a little boy to my attention.  His name is Riley and he has had a rough start, but has made tremendous strides.  I told her we were not quite in the home stretch yet (this was about two weeks ago).  She told me no problem.  Then she sent me a flyer with pictures, contact information, and a request to talk to our teen social worker.  I must say, I was pretty floored.  And touched by the fact that she was actively seeking a home for Riley. 

There are a few flaws in this happily ever after plan.  The first is that he is a first contact.  Which usually means in the adoption world first contacts have a very slim chance of panning out.  It's sad, but true.  For various reasons like it is raining green hail on Mars (they are usually stupid reasons) the social worker backs out. 

The second is that Riley is bi-racial.  Gasp...  It doesn't bother me, as love knows no color, but sadly we have family who it may bother.  Family who has not come out of the days of cotton and crow laws.  The first time around Shannon was concerned about it, but we have come to realize that if our family can't accept choices than that is their problem not ours.  Plus most of them are not seen on a regular basis.  Or as my husband so eloquently said, "They can shove it!".  I love that man. 

The third and most daunting reason is that Riley has medical conditions.  Nothing that will shatter the earth, but they are they.  He wears braces to walk.  He also has a condition that causes tumors to grown in his body.  But he fights.   He refused a wheelchair and learned to walk.  He goes to preschool.  He gardens, plays, and loves all things little boys love.  In short, he had a lousy break in life. 

It would also mean changes in a life that I have worked hard to obtain and enjoy.  But sometimes the things we thought we wanted aren't really what we wanted in the first place.  Life gives you choices to make and chances to take.  So I have made the choice and am taking a really big chance. 

Our social worker will be making a call next week.  Our life will never be the same one way or another after it.  But I am ready.  Let the journey begin.

The Light at the end of the Tunnel

So here we are in a new year!   Marvin has survived the holiday season with even less triggers than last year, which is a plus.  The decorations have gone down except for my snowman collection.  Living in Virginia you never know what kind of weather you will have in the winter.  So far, I have been disappointed.  No snow.  Well five flakes yesterday, but that doesn't count!!  I want a real honest to goodness snow.  Yes, you may check me into the funny farm.  I like snow. 

But I digress.  It has been a week of ups and downs.  I am back in the classroom and loving it.  The children are eager to learn and I have all sorts of neat works out.  More in the works.  We are almost finished with the final paperwork push!!!  Yay!!!  We have also been approached by another social worker.  This time it looks really promising.  A three year old with lots of moxy.  But who knows how that will play out.  Just when you think you have something good lined up it is taken away.  So I refuse to get over excited.  So that has been the up part of my week. 

But there has also been lots of sadness in the family as well.  My brother in law will stand trial on February for a crime that happened many years ago.  It will be a jury trial.  They have been putting it off in the system for over a year so it was really easy to push it back in my mind and not dwell too much on it.  It was always there though, like the proverbial elephant in the room.  It was a shock to find out the bother in law I adore made such a tragic mistake.  It was a stupid accident and no one really knows what happened.  That's the nutty part of it. 

This has shook us up, but it hasn't destroyed us.  We are a tough family.  There has been an outpouring of love and support.  Which we needed.  We still do.  So keep us in your thoughts in the upcoming weeks.  So far the DA isn't in to making a plea deal.  So we will be going to court unless a miracle happens.  Life is full of ups and downs.  I just wish my downs weren't such doozies!  If trials make me stronger like they say I will be one tough chick by the end of this one.

Happy Birthday Shannon!

Guess who is turning 39?  Not me, I get to stay 25 for the rest of my life.  A friend and I long ago decided that once we hit this magic age, we were done.  I don't know if she held on to her end of the bargain, but I did. 

I married my best friend almost 8 years ago.  We have been together for about 10 years.  It was an interesting first date.  We met on-line and had a tops thirty minute first date at Chik-Fil-A.  The restaurant was having a family day and we couldn't hear each other.  I was a nanny at the time and my boss was violently ill.  Her kids were a bit "spirited" and she was a single mom so I felt awful about leaving her in a lurch.  Even though it was my day off.  Go figure.  So I rushed home after the date hoping that the house was still standing (it was, barely).  I thought I would never see Shannon again.  Luckily, he called a day later and asked if I wanted a do-over.  I thought, sure might as well scare you away properly.  I said yes. 

So we went to a nice quiet restaurant and had a real conversation.  We had lots in common.  I was at a point where I had travelled and done all sorts of different things.  I was ready to settle down.  So was he.  I only had one really big issue.  The guy who married me needed to be O.K. with adopting kids.  Shannon, bless him, never batted an eye when I raised the issue.  He said, no problem.  That was it for me. 

I would love to say that we got married and it was all bliss with little birds tweeting and helping me with domestic duties.  That we never fight and stare adoringly into each other's eyes all day long.  But this is reality.  We are both very strong willed.  I have my head in the clouds and he has his on the ground.  I have this desperate need to be on time for everything and he is always late.  There are many things that we are so polar opposite on we both sometimes wonder where the person we were dating has disappeared to?

Even though we may never agree on where to put the butter in the fridge ( and many other stupid things) we are both in it for the long haul.  Shannon was my rock while we were going through the adoption process the first time.  This time around I have been the rock.  He loves our son and was willing to adopt him despite the social worker trying to scare us to death about him.  He has fought daycares, churches, and family so our child can get the help and support he needs.  He is not shy about advocating for Marvin and is not slow in sharing it.  

So happy birthday to my best friend, companion, and co-fighter in the daily battles of adoption and child rearing!  I love you Shannon!!! 

The best gift ever!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!! 

I hope you are all doing well.  I just got the best Christmas gift a mommy could ever receive.  No, it didn't come in a Tiffany's bag.  (Although that would have been nice too.)  My son who blessed our hearts and homes several Christmases ago.  Here are some of his first pics: 

Gotta love the baby pudge.  I so miss it!  Our little one came to us with more labels than belongings.  Failure to thrive, Meth addicted, Shaken Baby Syndrome, Mild to Moderate Attachment and Bonding Disorder, Possible ADHD (although how you can tell on an 18 month old is beyond me, they all have ADHD at that age!), Lagging gross motor, fine motor, and language delays, Sight issues that may complicate into blindness, Reduced life span possibly turning into SIDS or early childhood death.  These are just a few of the labels that haunted me for years. 

Now flash forward to this Christmas.  Here is a pic.  Sorry it is not the best, my camera needed a good cleaning: 

So here we are now at four and a half.  My gift came a few days early!  We got to loose some labels!!!  Yeah!!  I must admit I cried.  A lot.  My child has NO attachment issues, no major developmental delays, will probably not go blind, and as was pointed out as Marvin was jumping off the exam table saying "Look at me I am Batman!", I will probably die of fright before Marvin bumps off.  He has also been cleared to go to Kindergarten in the fall.  He is growing and THRIVING.  Now, I had co-workers and family telling me that he was doing great all along, but it is so nice to have him medically verified.  They still want to keep the ADHD on the back burner, but it was agreed all around that it is way to early to diagnose that.  I also argued that he was a strong kinesthetic learner.  They were impressed with my big word of the day (thank you Lisa Murphy for all your way cool info on this, I owe you!) . 

So now I am off to a very busy and exciting two days of family, friends, church, and food.  I hope your Christmas is as wonderful as mine is turning out to be!! 

Holiday Trigger Blues

So we are quickly moving into the hectic holiday season.  It is a crazy time of year for anyone.  But if you have a children with special needs who are used to the rhythms and routines of everyday living, it can be even more stressful.  Not everything can be glitzed over with tinsel. 

Marvin came to us on December 12th four years ago this year.  It was a day before my birthday and I was so excited I spent the days before almost throwing up.  It also helped take my mind off my birthday, but that is another post on another day.  I was thrilled and very very very very stupid.  I had visions of Santa, candy canes, presents, celebrations with family and friends all in my head.  WRONG!!!!  The one thing that everyone stressed to me was that this is a very traumatic event in a child's life.  Great for us but sucky for him.  Keep low key.  No big hooplah.  Quiet holidays.  One maybe two presents tops.  Say what??? 

So in comes Marvin and with joy everything falls into place and they were all wrong.  Nope, not quite.  They took Marvin from daycare, he fell asleep in the car and woke up in a strange place with his social worker telling him that this was mommy and daddy now.  Just the look on my new son's face, that moment when he realized that his life was falling apart and there was no foster family anymore just about killed me.  He shrank from us.  He clung to Ms. T.  He sobbed like he was dying.  And in reality a part of him was dying.  The part of his life that he would never have back again.  But we muddled through it.  It was a quiet Christmas.  It was also the most magical one I have ever had. 

Flash forward to the next December.  Around holiday time Marvin was inconsolable.  He liked doing the "traditional stuff" but sometime I felt like he was doing it just to please us.  We still kept it low key, but he had a lot of trigger episodes.  Last December was better and I was bright enough to catch on to the patterns.  I kept Marvin away from things I knew would cause problems the best I could.  He was more expressive and was able to tell me he hated Christmas.  Until he got presents and changed his mind on that one.  He may have issues, but he is still a typical kid in most ways! 

So here we are once again.  I am hanging on with all I've got this year!  Marvin is able to handle more stimulation, but I still try to keep things as quiet and smooth here at Casa de la Fields as possible.  As an active four he has decided that he likes Christmas, especially the train that Paw Paw gave him for under the tree.  We have had a very big increase in trigger related events, but now that I am aware, I know I can ride it out.  Little things like going to the doctor to have our ears checked has produced mind blowing moments that probably leave the people in the parking lot to think I am beating my child within an inch of his life.  Marvin usually takes stuff in stride, but sometimes he just can't.  That stresses him, which in turn, stresses me. 

Today was another great example.  We went to a school play instead of school.  Marvin fretted about not being in school, worried about the classroom animals, and the materials.  Most of the time he loves having a day off.  Not today.  Then the play was going smashing until we got to a part about a giant glowing scary frog.  Lovely.  Just what I needed.  So here is my kid who has had nightmares about being ripped away from his family for the past two weeks being presented with another great opportunity to freak out.  Which he did on the car ride home.  For a whole hour.  The fun never stops. 

I know that most of it is due to lack of sleep.  I also think he has another ear infection.  With our weather changing from 70 to 40 in a blink I am feeling a bit run down too.  I know things will get better, but I just wish that I could have a normal holiday experience.  Is it really too much to ask?  But I can't have normal, so I am learning to take what I have and enjoy the good moments.  There are good moments.  I hope there will be many more of them and less bad ones for the Christmases of the future.  Marvin has made many strides and I am confident that he will continue to make many more.  Christmas is a season of hope and rebirth.  I have hope that with Marvin's rebirth into our family that he will continue to make strides in his healing process and have peace of mind in the security of a loving family.  Only time will tell.

Home Study Visit Round Three

Hello,

Last Thursday we had our last "official" home study visit.  It went really well.  Our teen social worker found her way out to the boonies with no problem.  I had the house all decked out for Christmas so it looks all festive and lighty-ish.   I had Penelope all cleaned up and she was super cute and fluffy. 

The visit pretty much went the same as all the other visits.  She asked the same questions.  We are pretty sick of them.  I told Shannon she didn't appreciate my sense of humor, but if you were asked, "What kind of child are you willing to parent?" 500,000 times, see if you wouldn't be a little feisty too. (I told her a live one, dead ones aren't my style.  Yes I did say that.  No I am not sorry I said that.)   In spite of that, Marvin was super charming and drug Laura all over the house.  He proudly showed her his prowess in operating the washing machine.  He showed her his tractors, trains, snacks, and sock drawer.  Yes, the sock drawer.  Sigh. 

So the house was approved.  Our punishment is more paperwork.  If that gets in and we get the ball rolling we should be approved in January.  Yay!!!!   I am excited that we are moving forward.  I am hoping for intensive searches and if all goes well a placement over the summer.  I plan on being rather aggressive this time around.  We waited three years for Marvin.  I am not sure I want to wait three more years. 

We were told that we would make a really great family for children with special needs.  Laura told us that families would take behavior problems over learning delays.  That is a shame.  I would rather work on ABCs and 123s.  Special needs is not a bad thing.  Marvin has them and there is no same in it.  He didn't asked to be nearly killed by bio mom and to have his brain chemically altered through deprivation of needs.  He's not normal, whatever that is.  I am coming to terms with triggers, learning needs, emotional needs, and other things that make my son different.  I grieve over it on a regular basis, but Marvin doesn't complain about it.  He just tries harder.  So I am trying harder too.  Trying to redefine what normal is for us and adjusting to it.  So far we are doing the best we can and that is what life is all about.